Negative thinking is our enemy. It dampens our enthusiasm and motivation. It contributes to indecision, inertia, procrastination and outright derailment of our goal-directed actions. It defeats us. It beats us. It creates the “bad luck” that we will later bemoan.

We are our own worst enemy when we indulge our negative thinking and tell ourselves, “It’s not going to work out…. I’m unlucky…. Something will go wrong…. Such and such will happen and I’m just going to be more miserable, so why bother?”

There are an endless number of negative messages in all shapes and sizes that discourage us from being proactive and going forth into the world. And now is as good a time as any to stop playing this losing hand, to stop giving these negative messages any power. Read the rest of this entry »

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“Enchantment” is a superior self-help book. There are trillions of books out there for people who want to get serious about their lives, about creating a business, a company, a presence, a successful future.

Guy, Kawasaki, former “chief evangelist of Apple,” co-founder of Alltop.com, a founding partner at Garage Technology Ventures, and a prolific author, details how to change the world by changing your ability to interact with and inspire others to hop on your success bandwagon and ride it to the stars.

What impressed me most about this book is that it covers every angle, every aspect of growth and change, every aspect of influencing others from harnessing technology and social media to re-forming ourselves in the myriad ways that, when all put together, spell out accomplishment and success.

Some of the topics in his book include: “How to Achieve Likability,” “Create Win-Win Situations,” “Be a Mensch,” “Be a Hero,” “Set Yourself Up for Success,” “How To Overcome Resistance,” “Position Yourself,” “Catalyze Commitment and Consistency,” “How to Use Push Technology,” “Look Far into the Future,” “Know Your Limitations,” “Beware of Pseudo Salience, Data and Experts,” and “Underpromise, Overdeliver.” I could go on and on. This book does not waste words.

I perceive myself as a superior quotemeister. When I first started tweeting a couple of years ago i gleaned some of the finest quotes out there to inspire and motivate others, to encourage them to think and challenge their presumptions and biases.

So it is no small thing when I tell you that the quotes Guy Kawasaki peppers throughout his book, which is packed full of massively valuable information guaranteed to advance your career and improve your life, are incredibly brilliant and powerful, possibly worth the price of the book all by themselves if taken to heart.

I leave you with one of his quotes I particularly enjoyed: “Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.” ~ Daniele Vare.

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Critical thinking is the ability to assess arguments and make objective evaluations such that poor decisions are avoided and positive outcomes are maximized. Listed below are some guidelines for critical thinking which, if implemented, will enable you to effectively navigate your life and increase your potential for success.

• Be precise. Define your terms. The more concretely you are able to identify and articulate the problem, the less likely your conclusions will be flawed.

• Carefully examine what is presented as facts. Avoid anecdotal evidence. Coming to a conclusion without carefully and meticulously scrutinizing the data can have catastrophic consequences.

• Be vigilant in regard to your assumptions and biases. Don’t fall into the trap of allowing any pre-conceived notions to form the basis of your arguments and assertions.

• Avoid being swayed by your emotions. Gut feelings and intuitions need to be taken into consideration but should not overshadow your objectivity.

• Don’t oversimplify. Avoid overarching generalizations.  Do not draw conclusions based on limited data.

• Consider other explanations. Although the principle of Occam’s Razor states that when you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is the better, it’s best that you not arrive at any conclusions without thoroughly considering the alternatives.

• Avoid being stubborn and dogmatic. The most creative solutions often arise from an attitude of flexibility and open-mindedness.

(Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education where she writes about education, online degrees, and what it takes for adult students to succeed when studying for an online post-grad degree from home. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.)

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Common symptoms of stress, particularly prolonged stress, are depression, anxiety, insomnia, irritability, anger, reactivity, impulsivity. Stress can affect appetite, energy levels, motivation. It can alter one’s perceptions, one’s thoughts, one’s insight and judgment. People who are stressed out just don’t think as clearly, they’re out of balance, disconnected from their higher, intuitive self. More vulnerable to a variety of illnesses, physical as well as emotional.

Stress, in general, weakens the immune system, diminishes the body’s ability to fend off illness and infection, to repair and to heal. Prolonged stress, with its dampening of the immune system, can generate headaches, muscle aches, neck and back aches, constipation, diarrhea, gastro-esophogeal reflux, ulcers. High blood pressure. Heart attacks and strokes. Stress WILL be hazardous to your health.

Stress increases one’s odds of having an accident, because stressed-out people are more easily distracted, not paying attention as best they can, such that an accident happens which otherwise might have been avoided.

If one does suffer bodily injuring secondary to an accident, one who is stressed has diminished capacity to heal and recover from it. When one’s mind and body are in good condition, the odds of recovering from a serious injury are much greater.

Last but not least, it is possible that prolonged stress weakens the immune system to such a degree that one becomes more vulnerable to tumors and cancers.

So what can be done about it?

Ideally, find ways to reduce the stress and eliminate it, if possible. Reducing the stress means recognizing what’s causing the stress, whether it be an exhausting job, financial insecurity, health problems, relationship problems. Whatever might be causing the stress needs to be acknowledged and enumerated.

The next step involves addressing these specific causes of stress in one’s life, perhaps making new decisions, perhaps taking new actions if there are indeed viable options. Make better choices and it’s possible to reduce, if not eliminate, the stressful triggers in one’s life.

Sometimes one can’t reduce or eliminate the stress. Some things are out of our control no matter what choices and decisions we make. In this case, reducing stress means reducing your reaction to stress. Finding ways to accept the difficult situation and co-exist with it, rather than having a physical or nervous breakdown.

In conjunction with trying to “change the things you can” and “accept the things you cannot change,” there are other ways to manage and cope with stress. Good nutrition is important. Eating balanced meals. Staying as far away from fast food and junk food as possible. Keeping the sugar and fat choices to a minimum. Exercising and working out can help dramatically. Meditation. Yoga. Talk therapy. Spiritual / Religious counseling. Vitamin and mineral supplements may help. Sometimes medications can help people deal with their stress. Sometimes medications are necessary, hopefully for just a brief period of time.

When people are stressed, they should avoid watching intense tv shows and movies. They should stay away from the horror, gore and violence. Watch comedies as much as possible. Laughter is healing. It does generate endorphins. Additionally, stay away from too much news. We all want to be informed. But past that, indulging in excessive viewing of the same information, the same message over and over again, is not helpful, particularly if you’re watching news about horrific things happening and yet to come.

When one is under stress, it’s best to try to “think lovely thoughts.” Think positive. Think hopeful, not pessimistic. See the glass as half-full, not half-empty. Make the decision to make lemonade out of lemons.  Be grateful for what you’ve got, despite whatever scarcity, limitation, lack or disappointment is in your life.

Try to see the silver lining in the dark clouds. Try to see the difficulties in your life as somehow blessings in disguise. Try to release judgment and attack thoughts despite what has happened to you. Try to forgive.

In stressful times, people and societies can lose their balance, their sense of purpose and intention. This is why, over the long run, it is critical, amidst the stress, fear and chaos, that we maintain as best we can our integrity, our compassion and our humanity.

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Happiness in relationships is a choice. Here’s how it works:

Our partner says something we disagree with, whether it be an observation about us, a recollection of something we said or did, or a perspective about the world and its workings.

Rather than let it go or agree to disagree, we oftentimes tend to get caught up in our ego and its need, not just to be right but to have our partner acknowledge that we are right.

And so we make an issue out of who’s right and who’s wrong. We make a mountain out of a molehill. We not only insist on correcting our partner, we insist on nothing less than total capitulation to our point of view.

We continue to get in their face and we refuse to give in because we know we’re right and we’re not going to give them the satisfaction of thinking they’re right and we’re wrong.

We stay at it, we stay adamant, we stay angry and aggressive in making our point, even when it leads to an escalation of negative emotions and very bad feelings about the relationship, which is usually the case.

Oftentimes, nothing is resolved, our partner chooses to remain oppositional to our point of view, and everybody is miserable.

Oftentimes, even in those scenarios where we get our partner to capitulate, to admit their error and our correctness, we still aren’t happy because all the effort it took to get the acknowledgment has generated a tremendous amount of ill will and negative energy.

We got our “You’re right” but at the expense of our happiness and at the expense of the relationship which suffers in the process.

On the other hand, if we decide it isn’t important that we insist we’re right and that we’re okay with them thinking whatever they want to think, then we don’t need to exert any effort to prove or insist upon anything. In which case, we have kept the peace and everybody’s happy.

Like most rules, this one has an exception.

There are times when the issue we’re discussing is too big, where it’s not about pride or ego, where it really does matter that everybody be on the same page, and where it really is necessary that we clarify who’s right and who’s wrong.

When disagreements along these lines seem to appear, “Choose your battles” becomes the operative concern.

It behooves us to choose our battles in these scenarios, to overlook as much as possible in our partners, to release the need to be critical and correct them, and to not sweat the small stuff as much as possible as well.

But when the issue really matters, we must take a stand, we must speak up and hold our ground because if we don’t, happiness in the relationship will surely not prevail.

There is one other scenario in which happiness will not prevail and that is when we have decided to take the high ground position of “I’d rather be happy than insist I’m right,” but then resent having done so.

This is another example of our ego getting in our way: Despite initially being successful at putting our ego aside in order to do what’s best for the relationship, we allow our ego to jump back into the game.

When this happens, we must remind ourselves that our ego is not our friend, we don’t need its help and we don’t want it involved. And then we let go of the resentment, grateful that we have a relationship that may not be perfect but is nurturing, loving and sustainable.

If we decide we’d rather be happy than insist on people seeing things our way, and we choose our battles such that we very rarely need to insist on anybody seeing anything our way, we will have happier and healthier relationships, there will be more frequent quality time in our relationships, and we will be happier in general because our head won’t be filled with pointless score-keeping and resentments.

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True mental fitness requires a capacity for open-mindedness: The ability and willingness to question your beliefs, your biases, your prejudices.

Look at your anger, your rage, your depression, your fears and anxieties. Uncover their triggers and find different ways to look at the stuff of your life. Make wiser and more considerate decisions.

Release selfishness and self-entitlement. Despite how difficult, awful and painful your life might be and how horrible you might feel, it is, nonetheless, necessary to be considerate of other people’s feelings and needs as well, and to not emotionally bleed all over them or abuse them in other ways. Especially your professed loved ones.

Let go of defensiveness and ego defense mechanisms such as denial, rationalization, and projection, among others, which only serve to distort reality and keep true mental fitness at arm’s length.

All that being said, the question remains, “What are the BEST ways to stay mentally fit?”

I spent a fair amount of time with this question, trying to distill mental wellness down to a few common denominators. I decided upon three: Truth. Compassion. Calm.

Apply these three ideals in your life. Practice them on a moment to moment basis as best as you possibly can with everyone, with everything animate and inanimate, with every situation you encounter. Extend truth, compassion and calm. BE truth, compassion and calm.

Tell the truth. Don’t omit. Don’t distort. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Be grateful for the blessings in your life. Share the blessings in your life. Be generous in all ways possible.

Choose not to be impulsive, reckless and over-reactive. Disengage from chaos and melodrama, from judgment and attack. Engage the power of acceptance and one-ness.

As we role model truth, compassion, and calm in all the transactions in our minds and in our lives, we will approach mental wellness and eventual global wellness as well.

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We need to re-discover the Now for ourselves because we’re really missing the party. What we are calling the Now is actually the “Now & Then.” Why? Because we bring our baggage from the past into the present moment.

We bring our judgments, experiences, prejudices, biases, resentments, and grievances from the past and throw them on top of whatever’s going on in the present, such that it’s no longer the present moment we’re experiencing, it’s a combination of the past mixed in with the present.

Consequently, we are not perceiving people as they are, we are seeing and reacting to them as we perceived them in the past, with all our judgments and grievances, which contributes to miscommunication, misunderstandings and the furthering of resentments and other negativities.

We do all of this as a survival mechanism, a defense mechanism, so that we can anticipate as much as possible, predict and control as much as possible, so that we won’t get hurt by the world and its chaos.

Unfortunately, this tends not to make us feel any safer or more secure. Additionally, it shuts down our spontanaety. It shuts down the intuitive process. It shuts down our awareness of opportunities and potentials synchronistically delivered to us as answers to our prayers. If we are not in the moment how can we be receptive to its gifts?

So what do we do to be in the Now?

1) We try to see people as they really are, not through the eyes of the past. We put aside our judgments and grievances. We remind ourselves that there is another way of looking at any situation.

We try to experience the people, places and things in our lives in the Now without critical analysis. We can do all the analyzing and interpreting later at some other time devoted specifically to thinking and evaluating our experiences.

2) Forget about smelling the roses. We need to smell the entire universe. And so we make a special effort in every moment of Now to experience it, to be attentive to all the sensations entering our consciousness.

This not only centers us and balances us, it also affords us the opportunity to receive intuitive as well as extra-sensory perceptions. As we quiet the mind, we remove the filters to its natural awareness of these components of reality.

A corollary of this is to avoid multi-tasking whenever possible because when our attention is divided amongst many activities or concerns, being in the Now is impossible. So we decide to do one thing and put all our intention and attention into it, avoiding all other distractions and mental considerations.

3) We remind ourselves that there is nothing to fear. In the present moment, in the Now, we are not threatened, we are safe.

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There is a popular expression in 12-Step Programs: “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”

Now, in these harsh, frightening times we live in, it behooves each of us to consider this definition of insanity in the context of our own lives and our own choices.

Now, more than ever, it is important, perhaps even critical, that, rather than doing the same thing and expecting different results, we do something different. Many things different.

For ourselves. For our families. For our country. And for our world.

Now, more than ever, it is important that we pay closer attention to the details of our lives and actions, not merely to avoid accidents, injuries, and a variety of mistakes with potentially serious consequences, but in order to intelligently and critically assess our entire life situation and see which aspects can be repaired, improved upon, and healed, which aspects it might be wise to discard either temporarily or permanently, and which aspects it would benefit us to truly accept and transcend without grievance or resentment.

So that’s what it comes down to in these vigorous and challenging times: We pay closer attention. We make better choices. We weigh the pros and cons carefully. We seek counsel, before we take action, from those we trust who are wise and lead lives that are reasonably intact, so as to avoid impulsive and reckless mistakes.

We make better use of our time.

We choose to be of service to others. Not just in the sense of holding a door for a stranger or taking out the garbage when it’s not our turn. These kindnesses are important. Helping out wherever we can to whatever degree we feel comfortable is important. And healing.

So is being of service to others in the sense of giving others the benefit of the doubt whereas in the past we assumed the worst. Being of service to others in the sense of truly letting go of resentments. Truly letting go of judgments and prejudices. Unconditionally forgiving others despite what they’ve done to us.

I suspect we all do these things to various degrees. I also suspect we don’t do them nearly enough, that there is much more of our compassion and understanding that we can consistently extend to others.

I suspect if we choose to get better at discovering and implementing new choices in all aspects of our lives, we will feel better about ourselves and not quite so afraid, and that we will see our lives improve in the process.

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If we continually procrastinate and sabotage ourselves to the point of not getting the lives we want, we need to re-program our subconscious minds because it is not our being a victim of bad luck or some more concrete scapegoat that is getting in our way. It’s us.

When one self-improvement program, self-help-book, spiritual guru, economic guru, etc., after another has failed to deliver us our aspirations,  it behooves us to keep our Shakespeare in mind. Particularly, that “the fault, dear Brutus, lies not in the stars but in ourselves that we are underlings.”

Point being: We can be masters of our fate or victims of our fears, fantasies and foolishness. We can continue to know what we need to do and not do it, and not get where we want to go. Or we can recognize that everything we’ve tried hasn’t worked, so we best do something different.

Self-Sabotage

In order to do something different, best we know the root cause of the problem and then design a unique and effective solution.

The root cause is self-sabotage. Consciously, we want to make money, make friends, lose weight, get healthy and fit, find our soul mates and partners, and by golly we’re gonna start tomorrow morning for sure, you betcha. This time I really mean it.

New Year’s Resolutions come and go. Again and again. Year after year.  Unconsciously, our resistance to change is great and our resolve to put into practice the principles and techniques we’ve learned is weak. The resistance wins out, any attempt at establishing a habit of behaviors, a pattern of focused thoughts and exercises all devoted to the achievement of expressed goals fails sooner or later.

We’re back at step one. With another healthy dose, so to speak, of guilt, shame and self-loathing that we’ve failed another attempt to attain our goals, whatever they might be.

Why is the unconscious resistance to change so great? It’s because of what I just made reference to: guilt, shame and self-loathing. Buried deed in the unconscious mind is the belief that we are not good enough and don’t deserve abundance and success.

That core thought compels the subconscious to act in ways that creates that reality.  We experience a world which reflects that self-concept that we are not worthy. Rather than attracting success, happiness and prosperity into our lives, we attract accidents and potholes.

If this premise is correct, then we must change our core thoughts about ourselves which compel our subconscious mind to do our bidding if we are to attract the life we want without resistance, negativity, obstacles and unpleasantness.

We must rid ourselves of the unconscious guilt, shame and self-loathing. Not a simple task. Nonetheless, a worthy one. And the way to do it is to be of service to others, to engage in estimable acts towards others as best we can, without conditions, exceptions or expectations.

As we esteem others through our respect and service to help as best we can, we are esteeming ourselves and sending our subconscious the message that we are good enough. But that’s not enough. We must forgive ourselves as well if we are to eliminate the deeply submerged guilt and shame.

We Reap What We Sow

As we forgive others, which involves letting go of our harsh judgments of them, we are actually forgiving ourselves, letting go of our harsh judgments of ourselves. It’s Confucius’s Law of Reciprocity. It’s a Golden Rule sort of thing. It’s the way this world of ours works. It’s all projection. People are mirrors of our thoughts. Trust me, there’s a lot of that going around.

As we forgive others, we forgive ourselves. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. Esteem others, let go of judgments and resentments and anger, forgive others for they know not what they do, among other things, and be of service to others. We get out of ourselves.

We get out of the crazy thinking in our head which makes us feel alienated and frightened. We help others. We count our blessings.

And guess what? Things get better. Life gets better. Life has greater meaning in addition to greater clarity, direction, transformation, happiness, contentment and good fortune.

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We all have, deeply embedded in our unconscious mind, a self-loathing part of us, regardless of how much self esteem we have, regardless of how much good we do in this world, and regardless of how proud of ourselves we are for our ethical and compassionate behavior.

That self-loathing, as irrational as it is for most of us who have done very little in the hurting others department, manages to generate guilt and shame which we do not wish to experience consciously because it would be too unpleasant.

So we unconsciously project it outwards onto others and see others as worthy of loathing and worthy of guilt and shame, rather than ourselves. And we feel better about ourselves, at an unconscious level, in the process.

It’s very convenient and emotionally sustaining when we project it onto people who deserve it, so to speak, by their despicable actions. And we don’t think twice about it. They clearly deserve all the judgment and animosity they get directed at them. They clearly deserve to be made to feel guilty and shamed.

But when we project it onto other people who haven’t necessarily done anything terrible to deserve our harsh judgments, with the exception of not treating us the way we wish to be treated or not thinking or behaving the same way we do, the mechanism of discharging internal angst by pointing the fingers at others becomes more obvious, if we are willing to look at it.

So what do we do about this?

Certainly, at the level of our personal relationships where judgments are flying left and right, if we remind ourselves that our judgments are actually a reflection of our own embedded guilt and shame, and if we can see them as loving beings who are confused and have lost their way (regardless of how badly they are behaving towards us), then the best approach is to catch ourselves and stop attacking them with our judgments, because we will, essentially, be healing our projections and healing ourselves in the process.

We can disapprove of their bad behavior. We can encourage they take responsibility and insist on consequences. We can avoid them. We can set boundaries. There are any number of solutions available to us.

The key is to judge the actions, not the actors. The key is to demonize behaviors but not people, because when we demonize others we are demonizing ourselves at a deeply embedded level, reinforcing our guilt, shame and self-loathing.

At the level of people in the world who assault, abuse, maim and murder: again, it is in our best interests to despise the behaviors but to not demonize the people. They are not evil, despite the evil that they do.

They are mentally ill. They are children of God, like all of us, who are severely damaged in their incapacity to love because of the love they never experienced themselves.

Ultimately, when our consciousness can handle this revolutionary concept, it can evolve further to appreciate that everything in this world is an illusion, a bad dream we will one day wake up from, in which case, we don’t even need to hate horrific behavior.

When we wake up from a nightmare, thanking God that all the murder and rape we saw in the nightmare never really happened, we have no need to hate those in our dreams who perpetrated the murder and rape.

When we are enlightened and wake up from this nightmare we call reality, we will also appreciate that everything horrific in this world never happened, and there is no need for hate or for sorrow.

This is certainly an idea that most of us cannot get our mind around. We cannot tolerate this idea nor accept it to any degree because of all the horrible evil and terrible suffering that is obvious all around us and can’t be presumed not to be real.

I can’t argue the point. I have no proof except for my own experiences which are anecdotal and can be easily dismissed by those who wish to do so. Nonetheless, I maintain that everything we see in this world is a projection of our internal thought system.

If we keep love, compassion, acceptance and forgiveness in the forefront of our mind, we will see, to an ever-increasing degree, a world that reflects that, a world of cooperation, harmony, generosity, success and abundance.

If we choose at the core of our consciousness to embrace fear and judgment, then we will continue to see a world that is full of scarcity, lack, limitation, competition, aggression, war, famine, disease and death.

There are only two thoughts, love and fear. And everything we see in this world is a projection of one or the other.

Love or a Call for Love

Everything people do in this world is an expression of love or a call for love.

When a child feels ignored, neglected and unloved because Mommy is spending more time with his little baby brother, and the child acts out, throws a glass against the wall and shatters it, it is not because he is evil or bad.

It is because he wants to get Mommy’s attention, he wants to get Mommy’s love, but he doesn’t know how to ask for it appropriately, so he asks for it in a confused, violent, aggressive way.

It is a call for love, and the best response Mommy can give to her child is to be understanding, compassionate, forgiving and loving, not angry, abrasive and punishing.

As we grow up and become adults, most of us still behave in the same way we did when we were infants. Hungry for love and feeling minimized, ignored, abandoned, unloved and unappreciated, we act out with our loved ones, attacking them in various ways.

Rather than saying, “I’m feeling insecure. I need your attention. I need your love. I need a hug,” we yell, we hit, we break things, we drink and drug too much, we drive our cars into trees.

At the next level are those who do the more horrendous acting out behaviors in their calling out for love, by mutilating and killing themselves or by mutilating and killing others.

It’s all a continuum, a matter of degrees. It’s all a variation of the same theme: love or a call for love, in which case, the response should always be the same: when someone is calling out for love, we do our best to give it to them.

In terms of the people in this world who do horrific things, this doesn’t mean they should not be held responsible for their actions. It doesn’t mean we condone their behaviors. It doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be consequences.

What it does mean is that we should let go of our harsh judgments and rage in the process.

Let’s look at this at a level that can perhaps be better understood and tolerated by our mind: If we need to go to court to resolve a divorce settlement, we don’t need to go in with anger. We can go in with calm and be just as effective, if not more so. We can get what we feel we need and deserve, but without all the aggression, judgment and animosity. We do this for our own healing, for our own peace of mind.

Everything is a choice that starts in the mind. If we choose fear, what we’ll get is fear, anxiety, depression, anger and aggression, within and without, in all its horrific and terrifying forms.

If we choose love, we will see a world transforming within and without. And we will observe miracles happening, because miracles are the natural expression of unconditional love and forgiveness.

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