We need not go “ballistic” when someone says something that offends us or rubs us the wrong way. We have a choice as to how we respond to the “slings and arrows” sent our way by the world.

If someone says, “I don’t like you,” one person might get angry over this for a week-and-a-half. Another person might get angry for a second-and-a-half. It’s a choice. It’s always a choice. “I could choose peace instead of this,” is a message you might tell yourself, to remind yourself of your present-moment choices despite what is going on.

For example, when someone says they don’t like you, instead of getting angry, you could say to yourself, “So what? No big deal. Different strokes for different folks. I’m okay, you’re okay, no skin off my back. I don’t need to get angry and twisted over it. I don’t need to get depressed over it. I don’t need to get anxious. I don’t need to believe that I’m unlikable because he says I am. I don’t need to doubt myself. That’s his opinion. I don’t share that opinion. I need do nothing.”

It certainly wouldn’t hurt to consider if you’ve actually done something you’re not proud of to inspire that comment from the other person. Taking a personal inventory when you get negative feedback from others is a healthy thing; staying open-minded and willing to evaluate criticism directed at yourself, instead of getting angry and defensive, is a sign of mental health and stability. Because if you are behaving in ways that are unlikable, this generates self-loathing and low self-esteem at some level, and you would benefit from changing your behavior. And so it would be a blessing that someone would tell you they don’t like you, because it gives you the opportunity to self-reflect, to change, and to become a better person.

But after you’ve done a personal inventory, if it seems clear to you that you’ve done nothing wrong or inappropriate, you’re just being who you are, and that’s okay with you, then it behooves you to be cool about any disparaging comments people throw at you. It’s their problem, not yours. You don’t need to get angry, you don’t need to debate the issue in an attempt to correct their misperception of you. You need do nothing.

When you’re walking down the street and a car drives through a puddle, splashing water on you, it’s an assault of sorts, you get wet and dirty; but it washes away, no damage done. The same may be said for emotional “splashes” people send your way. You may get wet and dirty, but it washes away, no damage done.

When we perceive ourselves being attacked in some way, we tend to get and stay angry, depressed, anxious, frightened, etc., long past the purpose of it, long past any therapeutic value it might offer us, at which point it becomes a weapon to victimize others and ourselves.

We reap what we sow.

Keep in mind the Law of Reciprocity: whatever we do to others, we’re doing to ourselves at some core level of our consciousness. When we attack others, on some level we’re attacking and demeaning ourselves. When we judge and condemn others, when we put them in an emotional prison by continually blaming them, resenting them, and finding fault with them, we essentially put ourselves in the same emotional prison, loathing ourselves at a deep, unconscious level despite believing on a conscious level that our actions are appropriate and justified.

Conversely, if we love others, we’re loving and esteeming ourselves. And if we forgive others, we’re forgiving ourselves and releasing ourselves from the same emotional prison we think we’ve put the other person in.

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To a large degree, many of us fail because of our Inner Critic, a part of our mind that is incessantly finding ways to minimize us, invalidate us, deflate us and discourage us.

Our Inner Critic tells us, “You’re not good enough.” “You’re not pretty enough.” “You’re not smart enough.” “You’re unlucky.” “You’re a loser.”

Our Inner Critic bathes us in guilt, shame and self-loathing such that, at an unconscious level, we are forever doubting our capacity to succeed and forever anticipating our failure.

Consequently, the Law of Attraction works with our negative, cynical, pessimistic mindset to generate perpetual failure and disappointment in our lives.

Additionally, our Inner Critic’s loathing of us, which is the source of all the negative messages in our mind about ourselves, gets translated into self-sabotaging behaviors, such as avoidance, procrastination, being late for appointments and engagements, forgetting commitments, making impulsive decisions, overeating, oversleeping, over-medicating, the list goes on and on. The result is setbacks, derailed plans, and failure.

The point is this: If our failure is a result of unconscious, self-sabotaging behaviors, which are a result of a harsh, judgmental Inner Critic that whispers in our ear 24/7 that we are unworthy, then, in order to turn that failure into success, we must whisper back.

We must neutralize our Inner Critic, give it no power, by consistently challenging its voice and replacing it with a voice that encourages instead of discourages, a voice that builds us up rather than puts us down, a voice that reminds us of our strengths rather than our weaknesses.

As we choose to not listen to our Inner Critic’s dark, desperate, catastrophic thoughts, deciding instead to maintain a positive, optimistic, hopeful and grateful attitude, we stop sabotaging ourselves.

What can be done to help speed up this cognitive-behavioral process?

Every morning when we first get up and every evening before going to sleep, we affirm to ourselves three times, with great passion and conviction: “I choose to not attack myself. I give no power to my Inner Critic.”

As we use this simple affirmation at night to program our subconscious mind to neutralize our Inner Critic, and as we use it each morning to re-Mind ourselves to pay attention and make choices that are more likely to lead to positive outcomes and the fulfillment of our dreams, we encounter less resistance, greater cooperation, and more frequent synchronistic opportunities.

We succeed!

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People want to make the most out of their lives. Duh.

What I find fascinating is the underlying assumption that, in order to make the most out of our lives, we must attempt daring and bold feats of power and passion.

Here’s the point: What if that isn’t true?  What if “making the most out of our lives” isn’t about amassing more experiences which glorify the body and fan the flame of ego and self-satisfaction?

What if our spirit, our consciousness, our soul is immortal, invulnerable and eternal, and that our only purpose for being here is to understand that we are all One, we are all connected, that we must “love ye one another,” that there is nothing else to do, nothing else to amass, nothing else to accomplish? If that’s the case, are we really making the best use of our remaining time here by doing more rather than being more?

A BUCKET LIST IS NICE, PERHAPS A SPIRITUAL BUCKET LIST IS BETTER

I suggest that for every bucket list entry we make of something physical we wish to accomplish, we also include one entry of something spiritual we wish to achieve. So now the question becomes, “What might we put on that list?”

We might choose to engage in behaviors that could awaken us to truths that have been hidden from our consciousness by our drive for material and physical mastery and control. Perhaps:

*  A six month program of daily meditation and/or yoga.

*  A six month program of abstinence from alcohol and drugs.

*  A six month program of vegetarianism or veganism.

*  A six month program of reading spiritual, consciousness-raising materials.

We might choose to engage in behaviors that unite us rather than divide us by finding:

*  Ways to see the good in people despite the negative things they’ve done.

*  Ways to forgive people we’ve refused to forgive.

*  Ways to repair a relationship that has been damaged or broken.

Perhaps it would behoove us to put on the list:

*  Ways to be more of a role model of right action.

*  Ways to be more of an achiever of good works that promote communication, compassion, peace, cooperation, prosperity and well-being for all.

*  Ways to be more of service to others by giving our money, time and energy to the causes and needs of others without any regard for acknowledgment, thanks, compensation or consideration of any kind.

Perhaps each of us, as we compile our bucket list prior to heading off to that Great Big Google in the Sky, should remind ourselves of what Horace Mann once said: “Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.”

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Forgiving others is a compassionate thing to do. We know this. Nonetheless, oftentimes, we don’t do it. We want those who hurt us to suffer for what they did.

By withholding forgiveness we think we are punishing them, we think we are keeping them stuck in a prison of guilt and shame. But the fact is we’re just punishing ourselves in the process.

We’re prolonging our own suffering. We’re withholding from ourselves our own peace of mind. We’re keeping ourselves emotionally tormented. We’re keeping the albatross around our own neck. We are fanning the flame of our own discontentment and emotional suffering.

We’re, essentially, keeping ourselves locked in an emotional prison cell that is now of our own making. We are now victimizing ourselves long after having been victimized by our offenders.

The Power of Forgiveness

When we forgive others we free ourselves of our anger, our judgments, our grievances, our resentments, and our bitterness, all of which interfere with our present moment joy and inner peace.

When we refuse to forgive others, we relegate ourselves to living in the past and never being in the present moment, in the Eternal Now, where all the good things in life happen.

Consequently, it is always in our own best interests to forgive.

Everyone. No exceptions.

Forgiveness decreases our anger, our depression, our stress and our anxiety. We sleep better. We relate to others better. Our general attitude is more positive, optimistic, and joyful.

All of this contributes to our physical as well as emotional well-being, and maximizes our potential to attract people, places and circumstances into our lives which will propel us towards our dreams and our goals.

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PLEASE NOTE: THIS POST IS A GUEST BLOG WRITTEN BY GUY BRANDON

(Guy Brandon is a counsellor, author and founder of StressingOut.org, a website dedicated to resources for stress, depression, anxiety, self-esteem and related issues. Check out his website at: http://www.stressingout.org/what-is-stress/)

A recent post on this blog described the power of saying ‘yes’: It broadens your horizons, opening you to experiences beyond the familiar, safe and mediocre.

I’m not disagreeing with the precept that ‘yes’ can be tremendously liberating and empowering. It’s not the specific word that’s relevant, it’s the intention behind it.  In that context, ‘yes’ can also be a source of great stress.

Saying ‘yes’ to those things we don’t want to – more work, unwanted social situations, etc., and yielding to relational pressures of one kind or another – is really the same as saying ‘no’: no to those things we really want to be doing and trying with the hope of expanding our lives.

This kind of yes, where we serve the tedious, the familiar and the mediocre, is destructive: it’s a ‘yes’ to our own limitations, to pressure imposed by others, to stresses of all kinds being added to our lives.

It’s a yes to taking the path of least resistance, to doing what other people want because we believe they will like, appreciate, and approve of us more as a result.

It’s a yes to a toxic self-image, to low self-esteem, to limitations and fear. It’s a yes that actually closes us down, reduces our opportunities and sense of agency. It promises that we will be less than we could be.

In such circumstances, saying ‘no’ can be a powerful step towards your own ‘yes’. It’s ‘no’ to the standards that others impose on you, the assumptions that they make about how you will act and what you will put up with.

It’s ‘yes’ to drawing your own boundaries, valuing yourself and finding your self-esteem in your own worth, rather than in others’ validation of you, which often has to do with what you can do for them.

At its heart, it’s saying yes to your selfhood, yes to growing, yes to carving your own identity and guiding your own life path: the best and ultimately only real solution to the stresses that life brings.

Either way – whether the actual word is a ‘no’ or a ‘yes’ – it’s about keeping that open-mindedness that embraces opportunity and possibility over the everyday, the passive and the unremarkable.

(Guy Brandon is a counsellor, author and founder of StressingOut.org, a website dedicated to resources for stress, depression, anxiety, self-esteem and related issues. Check out his website at: http://www.stressingout.org/what-is-stress/)

NOTE FROM DR. J: CHECK OUT MY OTHER BLOG AT:

http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/fhg-blogs/hm/

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Abby Nelson has compiled a list of the top fifty blogs devoted to positive thinking and positive psychology.

I am publishing a link to her blog post not solely because she ranked my blog #3 on her list. It is an excellent resource for those who are interested in this topic.

So here it is:

50 Best Blogs For Practicing Positive Psychology

P.S. CHECK OUT MY OTHER BLOG, HEARTS & MINDS, AT: http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/fhg-blogs/hm/

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Making amends is the process of correcting an error and rectifying a wrong. It is a very important part of the social contract because, above all else, it is the right thing to do. It does, however, have other perks.

It has the potential to build character, self-respect, and self-esteem, to resolve resentments, and to restore trust, all of which can lead to greater well-being for the individual and society.

Unfortunately, there is an unwillingness on the part of many people to address past errors and correct them.  Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig’s recent decision, to not correct the obvious umpire error that cost Armando Galarraga his perfect game, speaks to this issue.

From what I understand, one of the reasons Commissioner Selig refused to reverse the incorrect call at first base was because, if he did so, it would lead to any number of requests from other people to correct other past errors as well. This would require the commitment of a great deal of time, money and energy, which is something Commissioner Selig was not inclined to do.

This reminded me of President Obama’s decision, when he came into office, to not prosecute past transgressions of the Bush Administration because he preferred to focus his attention on the future and not get bogged down with the past.

Neither of these decisions by the Commissioner and the President constitute wise choices, insofar as they minimize the importance of championing truth and justice regardless of how unpleasant or inconvenient it might be to do so. Additionally, they represent extremely poor role-modeling.

In 12-Step programs, making amends is an important part of the healing process. When a recovering alcoholic reaches out to those he has injured in the past, apologizes for his bad behavior, and makes amends as best as he can, it removes shame and guilt, it helps him to clear away the wreckage of his past, it helps him to rebuild self-esteem and self-respect, and it has the potential to heal his relationships as well.

All of the above is true, whether one is a recovering alcoholic or not. When we have committed an injustice against another, it is our responsibility and our salvation to make amends, to repair the situation, and to make things right as best we can.

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Today, Thanksgiving Day, we honor cooperation, peace, sharing, support, gratitude and giving.

But do we truly honor these ideals if we nurture them but one day a year? Do we truly honor these ideals if we don’t put them into practice on a daily basis?

Truth be told, our thanks are hollow if we do not choose love, sharing and cooperation every day in every decision we make in our lives.

To truly honor the ideals of Thanksgiving and to be consistent with the principles of love and peaceful coexistence, it would behoove us to do more than simply praise and celebrate the symbology one day a year.

Were we to do this, were each of us to choose to be grateful for what we’ve got and to share our blessings with others less fortunate on a daily basis, we would generate an abundance of joy and love in our lives that would help transform this sick, decaying world we’ve toxified and corrupted.

That being said, let’s make a resolution to give thanks not just today but everyday, and to find some way, everyday, to make the world brighter and better for one of our fellow travelers.

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Does God really pick and choose who lives and who dies? Is He “up there” somewhere with a huge tote board keeping score of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice? Does He really decide to give one person brain cancer, to have another person get hit by a bus, to have a third person get mauled by a lion or raped by a psychopath? Is that what God does?

Does God really listen to everyone’s prayers and decide which ones to act on and which ones to ignore?: “Sorry, Mr. Franklin. I feel for you, but I’m not going to cure your prostate cancer because I’ve already met my prostate cancer prayer quota, you’ll need to exit stage left.” Is this what God is all about?

Does God really send some of his children to hell, to suffer for all eternity? As a father who has been upset at times with my daughter, it never once occurred to me, no matter how badly she behaved, that she should be punished and made to feel miserable forever. Could God be a Father that unmerciful and unloving?

None of these scenarios involving God make any sense to me, which leads me to believe that we have seriously distorted the truth of what God is. We have projected behaviors and judgments onto God from our ego mind, which is full of fear and attack thoughts, that have nothing whatsoever to do with Him.

It is my belief that God is not vengeful. God is not petty. God does not attack, punish, hurt or kill. God is unconditionally loving, forgiving, and accepting.

When we use the concept of God to attack other people, we are not honoring God, we are actually attacking him, because it is not His will that anyone suffer or be harmed. It is His will for us that we all be happy, prosperous and at peace. That is His will for each and every one of us, regardless of what country we belong to, what faith we follow or how well or poorly we behave.

When we engage in judgment, hatred and attack in God’s name, justifying our bad behavior by claiming we are doing God’s work, we are actually doing the opposite of God’s work, fueling our ego and our insanity,

Want to love God and want God to love you? Love your fellow man. Stop judging. Stop looking for reasons to hate and attack. Find the similarities rather than the differences between us and others so that we can overcome any differences and live in love and harmony as God would wish us to.

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When I was shopping today, I observed that there are many people who walk around not smiling. I’m appreciating the power of our attitudes to enlighten and brighten us or subdue, demoralize, and sabotage us. I’m awestruck by the incredible, life-affirming, prosperity-affirming choice one makes simply by deciding to smile.

Any person who cannot admit when they are wrong is demonstrating a character weakness. In the realm of leadership and power, that weakness can be extremely lethal.

I’m appreciating the importance of celebrating our lives every day. Making every day a special occasion. Making every encounter a celebration of existence, communication, and connection.

The impulsive overreactions to unconscious primal fear thoughts of insecurity and abandonment generate tremendous drama in our lives. By putting the brakes on our stampede of emotions and taking the time to sort them out, we become stabilized and centered, receptive and open, focused and directed, all of which maximize our potential for success, whatever our objectives might be.

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