Why is it that we are motivated to change, and we work hard at it, and yet we do not succeed at attaining our goals? It’s because we sabotage ourselves. We sabotage our best efforts. We procrastinate. We resist. We don’t follow direction. We don’t follow through. We allow ourselves to be distracted and derailed.

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Self-esteem is a tricky thing. Some people are seemingly born with a healthy amount of it. Some people seem to have none at all. Some people begin with a lot, and due to circumstances, lose all of it. Some people begin with very little and grow into a better sense of self. So many factors affect how a person’s sense of self is developed, that it is a wonder that we are all as functional as we are!

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Don’t give up. It takes time to create new thought-emotion-behavior habits. As we engage in estimable acts of kindness, release our judgments and resentments, and replace them with acceptance, forgiveness and love, we heal ourselves and transform our world. Don’t give up. Progress not perfection. Stay the course. Give and you shall receive.

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In this episode of Forgive To Win, Walter Jacobson M.D. talks about Forgiveness and the many aspects of forgiving.  What is the definition of forgiveness? Why do we hold onto resentment? What can happen if we don’t move on from painful situations from the past?  What is an emotional prison? How do we detach from a bad experience? Those who don’t forget the past are doomed to repeat it!  What is a fear thought?

The number of people we need to forgive is relatively small.  But the number of people we need to stop judging is infinite!! Listen to Walter give us advice from his years of experience as a practicing psychiatrist as he shares his wisdom and knowledge with us: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/forgivetowin/2011/07/14/the-forgive-to-win-radio-show-episode-five

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In April, Senator Jon Kyl lied to the United States Senate and the American people when he said, “If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that’s well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.”

The truth is that abortions are a very minimal part of what Planned Parenthood does.

Senator Kyl lied because he wanted to influence the Senate to eliminate funding to Planned Parenthood and he felt his argument would have greater impact if he distorted the facts.

Last week, President Obama gave a speech in regard to immigration reform and misrepresented the facts when he said “… we need to not get — have amnesia about how we populated this country.” He made reference to the Bible and encouraged Americans “to look at that migrant farmer and see our own grandfather disembarking at Ellis Island or Angel Island in San Francisco Bay.”

He was attempting to make a link between the immigrants who come into our country today and the immigrants who came into our country a century ago and helped build our nation. The truth is that the immigrants who came into our country back then entered legally, in sharp distinction to the many who cross our borders today.

President Obama misrepresented the truth because he wanted to influence Americans to support the path to citizenship he wants to integrate into his Immigration Reform bill and he felt his argument would have greater impact if he distorted the facts.

The ends do not justify the means

Before I go further, allow me to clarify my position on these two hotly-contested topics. In my opinion, to get rid of Planned Parenthood because of the small amount of work it does that is related to abortions would essentially amount to, ironically, throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

And not providing a path to citizenship for those who have struggled and labored for the benefit of our nation for decades, regardless of how they got here in the first place, would be shameful and would be the antithesis of what our nation stands for, which is decency and fairness.

What I object to is the approach Senator Kyl and President Obama have taken which is essentially to win an argument by whatever means necessary. Our nation suffers whenever we see prominent leaders and spokesmen put forth the doctrine of “the ends justify the means,” which is essentially what Senator Kyl and President Obama have done.

Both of them, believing in the sanctity of their positions, feel it is okay to twist the truth if the end result is the outcome they deem to be the best. Both of them are wrong. In the short run, dishonesty may seem to pay off, but in the long run it erodes our collective moral consciousness and it strengthens oppositional forces that don’t go quietly into the night but rather plot to overthrow what was accomplished by deceit.

So what does this have to do with our personal relationships?

In our arguments with our partners and loved ones, when we resort to dishonest tactics (lying, twisting the truth, omitting significant details, misrepresenting our or their position), because we don’t believe we can win the argument by sticking to the facts, it distracts from the merits of our position and reduces any high ground we may have had.

It is a form of betrayal. Our partner knows we have engaged in deceitful tactics such that even if they capitulate and we win the argument, resentments build, their sense of distrust and not feeling safe in the relationship expand, and the relationship is damaged, sometimes beyond the point of it ever being repaired. In other words, we may win the battle but we lose the war.

By distorting the facts in order to manipulate the outcome of a disagreement, it diminishes us in their eyes and in our own eyes as well. It diminishes our self-respect and our self-esteem. It tarnishes our soul.

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If you think God works in mysterious ways, take a look in the mirror. Can you honestly say that the things you do make a whole lot of sense? You may be the exception to the rule but, the fact is, a great many people profess love for their loved ones and yet treat them in very unloving, invalidating and emotionally abusive ways. Read rest of blog

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True mental fitness requires a capacity for open-mindedness: The ability and willingness to question your beliefs, your biases, your prejudices.

Look at your anger, your rage, your depression, your fears and anxieties. Uncover their triggers and find different ways to look at the stuff of your life. Make wiser and more considerate decisions.

Release selfishness and self-entitlement. Despite how difficult, awful and painful your life might be and how horrible you might feel, it is, nonetheless, necessary to be considerate of other people’s feelings and needs as well, and to not emotionally bleed all over them or abuse them in other ways. Especially your professed loved ones.

Let go of defensiveness and ego defense mechanisms such as denial, rationalization, and projection, among others, which only serve to distort reality and keep true mental fitness at arm’s length.

All that being said, the question remains, “What are the BEST ways to stay mentally fit?”

I spent a fair amount of time with this question, trying to distill mental wellness down to a few common denominators. I decided upon three: Truth. Compassion. Calm.

Apply these three ideals in your life. Practice them on a moment to moment basis as best as you possibly can with everyone, with everything animate and inanimate, with every situation you encounter. Extend truth, compassion and calm. BE truth, compassion and calm.

Tell the truth. Don’t omit. Don’t distort. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Be grateful for the blessings in your life. Share the blessings in your life. Be generous in all ways possible.

Choose not to be impulsive, reckless and over-reactive. Disengage from chaos and melodrama, from judgment and attack. Engage the power of acceptance and one-ness.

As we role model truth, compassion, and calm in all the transactions in our minds and in our lives, we will approach mental wellness and eventual global wellness as well.

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Although some people might think that seeing all the negatives, all the potentially catastrophic what-ifs in every situation, places them in a superior defensive survival mode, it’s simply not true.

Being an optimist, seeing the glass as half-full rather than half-empty, does not imply or suggest that we lose our grip on reality or on the devastating possibilities in this chaotic, angry, frightened world. It does not mean we are wearing blinders which will prevent us from effectively defending or preparing ourselves.

We do all the critical thinking. We consider all the scenarios, good, bad and ugly. We do it all and we do it just as well as the pessimistic, half-empty crowd.

The difference is that by maintaining a positive outlook, by finding balanced ways of looking at events and their impact on us, we keep fear instincts and emotions in check, thereby avoiding angry, judgmental, aggressive, impulsive actions that are not in anybody’s best interests in the long run.

When we keep our fear thoughts in check and maintain a balanced emotional outlook, we communicate more effectively, we problem-solve more effectively, we discharge our stress and aggression in healthy rather than maladaptive ways, we increase our odds of weathering any storm with minimal personal and collateral damage. We maximize our potential for recovery and prosperity, however we define the term.

Consequently, regardless of how horrible our lives might be, it behooves us to count our blessings, to be grateful for what we have despite whatever lack or limitations we’re faced with, to remind ourselves that things could be worse, that there are many others on the planet who have it a lot worse than we do.

In times of great stress, it can be very beneficial to look for the blessings in disguise, to look for the silver linings, to look for the lessons.

And so we focus on what can go right as opposed to all the things that could go wrong. We stop assuming the worst. We remain hopeful. We keep our mind open to unexpected outcomes, possibilities and alternatives.

And, perhaps most important of all, we remember that seeing the world as half-full vs half-empty is a choice. We don’t necessarily have control over what happens to us, but we do have control over how we perceive what’s happened to us, how we react to it, whether we allow it to demoralize and defeat us or whether we choose to find a way to overcome it and transcend it.

Additionally, keep in mind that being positive is ultimately the only game in town. Regardless of what is going on, in the long run, being positive, optimistic and hopeful, as opposed to choosing negativity, pessimism and hopelessness, will serve you better physically, emotionally and spiritually.

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If we continually procrastinate and sabotage ourselves to the point of not getting the lives we want, we need to re-program our subconscious minds because it is not our being a victim of bad luck or some more concrete scapegoat that is getting in our way. It’s us.

When one self-improvement program, self-help-book, spiritual guru, economic guru, etc., after another has failed to deliver us our aspirations,  it behooves us to keep our Shakespeare in mind. Particularly, that “the fault, dear Brutus, lies not in the stars but in ourselves that we are underlings.”

Point being: We can be masters of our fate or victims of our fears, fantasies and foolishness. We can continue to know what we need to do and not do it, and not get where we want to go. Or we can recognize that everything we’ve tried hasn’t worked, so we best do something different.

Self-Sabotage

In order to do something different, best we know the root cause of the problem and then design a unique and effective solution.

The root cause is self-sabotage. Consciously, we want to make money, make friends, lose weight, get healthy and fit, find our soul mates and partners, and by golly we’re gonna start tomorrow morning for sure, you betcha. This time I really mean it.

New Year’s Resolutions come and go. Again and again. Year after year.  Unconsciously, our resistance to change is great and our resolve to put into practice the principles and techniques we’ve learned is weak. The resistance wins out, any attempt at establishing a habit of behaviors, a pattern of focused thoughts and exercises all devoted to the achievement of expressed goals fails sooner or later.

We’re back at step one. With another healthy dose, so to speak, of guilt, shame and self-loathing that we’ve failed another attempt to attain our goals, whatever they might be.

Why is the unconscious resistance to change so great? It’s because of what I just made reference to: guilt, shame and self-loathing. Buried deed in the unconscious mind is the belief that we are not good enough and don’t deserve abundance and success.

That core thought compels the subconscious to act in ways that creates that reality.  We experience a world which reflects that self-concept that we are not worthy. Rather than attracting success, happiness and prosperity into our lives, we attract accidents and potholes.

If this premise is correct, then we must change our core thoughts about ourselves which compel our subconscious mind to do our bidding if we are to attract the life we want without resistance, negativity, obstacles and unpleasantness.

We must rid ourselves of the unconscious guilt, shame and self-loathing. Not a simple task. Nonetheless, a worthy one. And the way to do it is to be of service to others, to engage in estimable acts towards others as best we can, without conditions, exceptions or expectations.

As we esteem others through our respect and service to help as best we can, we are esteeming ourselves and sending our subconscious the message that we are good enough. But that’s not enough. We must forgive ourselves as well if we are to eliminate the deeply submerged guilt and shame.

We Reap What We Sow

As we forgive others, which involves letting go of our harsh judgments of them, we are actually forgiving ourselves, letting go of our harsh judgments of ourselves. It’s Confucius’s Law of Reciprocity. It’s a Golden Rule sort of thing. It’s the way this world of ours works. It’s all projection. People are mirrors of our thoughts. Trust me, there’s a lot of that going around.

As we forgive others, we forgive ourselves. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. Esteem others, let go of judgments and resentments and anger, forgive others for they know not what they do, among other things, and be of service to others. We get out of ourselves.

We get out of the crazy thinking in our head which makes us feel alienated and frightened. We help others. We count our blessings.

And guess what? Things get better. Life gets better. Life has greater meaning in addition to greater clarity, direction, transformation, happiness, contentment and good fortune.

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