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How To Build Successful Relationships
by Walter E. Jacobson · Filed Under: Happiness · Personal Development · Positive Psychology · Relationships · Success · Well-Being · self-help
We need to take our time. We need to pay attention. We need to do the research. We need to look before we leap.
The divorce rate is so high and many relationships are so unsatisfying because we don’t do these things. When we meet someone “special” for the first time, there is an infatuation, there is chemistry, there is exhilaration, there are hormones jumping every which way. We feel energized and vitalized, overwhelmed with joy, excitement and sexuality.
When we look into the eyes and face of someone who is as excited about us as we are about them, it makes us feel excited about ourselves. We see our idealized self in the smiling face looking back at us, and all of this contributes to our jumping into bed and jumping into relationships prematurely.
So caught up in the immediate gratification of the moment, we don’t consider the long-term consequences. We don’t take the time to do our due diligence. We don’t take the time to discover the real fabric of the person we have become intimately involved with.
Oftentimes, we see the red flags and warning signs that suggest to us that maybe we shouldn’t go down that road, but because we are so enamored, so exhilarated, so charged up with infatuation, chemistry and lust, and having, perhaps, been lonely for a very long time prior to meeting this person, we look the other way, our common sense and intuition go out the window and we sweep the red flags under the rug.
Eventually, sooner or later, the chickens come home to roost. When the chemistry settles down and the infatuation goes away, we are left with a lot of unanswered questions.
Who are these people? What do they really stand for? Do they really care about us? Do they care more about themselves? Are they loyal and trustworthy companions?
All the questions that should have been asked at the beginning are asked after we have committed a great deal of time, money and energy to the relationship.
THE SOLUTION IS DELAYED GRATIFICATION
Taking the time to see what’s actually going on before making a commitment is the critical component. We tend not to do this because we are afraid to confront those red flags, to challenge our newly-found partners to explain themselves, to define their ideologies, to detail their backgrounds and previous relationships, for fear that they may get defensive or angry, that they may go away, or that they may tell us something that will be so obvious we will not be able to ignore it and it will force us to go away.
Bottom line: it’s best we have the courage to ask these questions before getting involved in a relationship, even if it means our loneliness will linger longer, because it will serve us well in the long run and provide us with the opportunity of finding someone who is worthy of our love and capable of providing us with a stable relationship based on mutual respect and consideration which will sustain us until our end of days.
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Categorically, you are quite right in all your assessments. However, as long as there’s infatuation, chemistry and a sense of desperately wanting to belong to and with someone, all words of caution will be thrown to the wind. Dealbreakers of what we’re willing NOT to accept will be ignored. Red flags will be by-passed and we’ll go down that uncharted and perilous road … gladly! In a heightened state of lust and desperation, we are very UNlikely to heed any warnings or ask any necessary, obscure or obvious questions. Don’t ask, don’t tell. It’s all about human nature … and that’s unlikely to change.
In rare cases when forever works out and a relationship does last till death, it is perhaps happenstance or luck of the draw. Regretably, though, in most relationships, especially today, forever is only a moment away.
yes, indeed, we are our own worst enemies when we ignore the warning signs and plow full steam ahead into a half baked relationship based on ego, lust and narcissistic mirroring. But it doesn’t have to be that way. people can change and not keep stumbling into relationships that eventually crash and burn; it’s hard work of course but it can be done. thanks for your comment.