If we want to repair a wounded relationship, beating up our partner by repeatedly expressing our hurt feelings, our anger and our resentments is not the way to do it. Invalidating our partner’s feelings and ignoring their legitimate concerns will prove to be equally ineffective.

If the ultimate goal of communication is reconciliation and forgiveness, then the sooner we stop all behaviors that are about shaming, guilting, and punishing the other person, the sooner we will be able to forgive them and work on the issues that need to be addressed.

If our partner tries to distract us by focusing on semantics and irrelevant sidebars, we acknowledge that this is a smokescreen, one of many devices to distract us and shift our attention from the real issue being raised, and we disengage from the discussion until another time when our partner may be more receptive to constructive dialogue.

We’ll never repair a damaged relationship if we don’t change the dysfunctional dynamics of our communication which is why when our partner uses techniques of defensiveness and aggression that have contributed to the problem in the past, we don’t go down that road. We don’t argue on their playing field. We don’t debate their agenda. We disengage, reinforcing the message that abusive behaviors used in the past will not be tolerated.

Our disengagement strategy must be consistent in order to teach our partner that the only way communication is going to happen is if it is positive, supportive, and nurturing rather than invalidating, angry and shaming, and that by repairing communication in this way we open the door for effectively repairing the relationship.

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If we continually procrastinate and sabotage ourselves to the point of not getting the lives we want, we need to re-program our subconscious minds because it is not our being a victim of bad luck or some more concrete scapegoat that is getting in our way. It’s us.

When one self-improvement program, self-help-book, spiritual guru, economic guru, etc., after another has failed to deliver us our aspirations,  it behooves us to keep our Shakespeare in mind. Particularly, that “the fault, dear Brutus, lies not in the stars but in ourselves that we are underlings.”

Point being: We can be masters of our fate or victims of our fears, fantasies and foolishness. We can continue to know what we need to do and not do it, and not get where we want to go. Or we can recognize that everything we’ve tried hasn’t worked, so we best do something different.

Self-Sabotage

In order to do something different, best we know the root cause of the problem and then design a unique and effective solution.

The root cause is self-sabotage. Consciously, we want to make money, make friends, lose weight, get healthy and fit, find our soul mates and partners, and by golly we’re gonna start tomorrow morning for sure, you betcha. This time I really mean it.

New Year’s Resolutions come and go. Again and again. Year after year.  Unconsciously, our resistance to change is great and our resolve to put into practice the principles and techniques we’ve learned is weak. The resistance wins out, any attempt at establishing a habit of behaviors, a pattern of focused thoughts and exercises all devoted to the achievement of expressed goals fails sooner or later.

We’re back at step one. With another healthy dose, so to speak, of guilt, shame and self-loathing that we’ve failed another attempt to attain our goals, whatever they might be.

Why is the unconscious resistance to change so great? It’s because of what I just made reference to: guilt, shame and self-loathing. Buried deed in the unconscious mind is the belief that we are not good enough and don’t deserve abundance and success.

That core thought compels the subconscious to act in ways that creates that reality.  We experience a world which reflects that self-concept that we are not worthy. Rather than attracting success, happiness and prosperity into our lives, we attract accidents and potholes.

If this premise is correct, then we must change our core thoughts about ourselves which compel our subconscious mind to do our bidding if we are to attract the life we want without resistance, negativity, obstacles and unpleasantness.

We must rid ourselves of the unconscious guilt, shame and self-loathing. Not a simple task. Nonetheless, a worthy one. And the way to do it is to be of service to others, to engage in estimable acts towards others as best we can, without conditions, exceptions or expectations.

As we esteem others through our respect and service to help as best we can, we are esteeming ourselves and sending our subconscious the message that we are good enough. But that’s not enough. We must forgive ourselves as well if we are to eliminate the deeply submerged guilt and shame.

We Reap What We Sow

As we forgive others, which involves letting go of our harsh judgments of them, we are actually forgiving ourselves, letting go of our harsh judgments of ourselves. It’s Confucius’s Law of Reciprocity. It’s a Golden Rule sort of thing. It’s the way this world of ours works. It’s all projection. People are mirrors of our thoughts. Trust me, there’s a lot of that going around.

As we forgive others, we forgive ourselves. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. Esteem others, let go of judgments and resentments and anger, forgive others for they know not what they do, among other things, and be of service to others. We get out of ourselves.

We get out of the crazy thinking in our head which makes us feel alienated and frightened. We help others. We count our blessings.

And guess what? Things get better. Life gets better. Life has greater meaning in addition to greater clarity, direction, transformation, happiness, contentment and good fortune.

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Oftentimes, when partners are angry with each other, rather than address the issues in a civilized manner, sticking to facts, reason, and fair, appropriate discourse, they tend to attack each other, calling each other horrible names, assaulting and abusing each other relentlessly.

This is destructive and counterproductive. It prevents true communication and any hope for true harmony. All of the name-calling causes more resentments, more anger, more distrust, and it doesn’t generate a desire for cooperation. It doesn’t foster understanding. It doesn’t change the other person’s mind.

If anything, it makes the other person more defensive and intractable. Additionally, after that particular squabble has ended, the couple, still a couple committed to their union, now have enduring emotional scars from all the hostility, aggression, and personal attacks, which act as barriers to true healing, the restoration of trust, and a strengthened union.

When we are angry with our loved ones, it is best that we stick to the issues, we stick to the facts, we don’t resort to personal attacks, and we respect the person even if we disagree. It’s best that we remember that our goal is not about winning the battle, so to speak, but about winning the war.

With open-mindedness, compassion, and acceptance, despite strong feelings of hurt, fear, and disapproval of our partner’s attitudes or actions, and by refraining from unnecessary personal attacks on their character, we increase the potential of helping our partner change and grow, and the relationship along with it.

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We need not go “ballistic” when someone says something that offends us or rubs us the wrong way. We have a choice as to how we respond to the “slings and arrows” sent our way by the world.

If someone says, “I don’t like you,” one person might get angry over this for a week-and-a-half. Another person might get angry for a second-and-a-half. It’s a choice. It’s always a choice. “I could choose peace instead of this,” is a message you might tell yourself, to remind yourself of your present-moment choices despite what is going on.

For example, when someone says they don’t like you, instead of getting angry, you could say to yourself, “So what? No big deal. Different strokes for different folks. I’m okay, you’re okay, no skin off my back. I don’t need to get angry and twisted over it. I don’t need to get depressed over it. I don’t need to get anxious. I don’t need to believe that I’m unlikable because he says I am. I don’t need to doubt myself. That’s his opinion. I don’t share that opinion. I need do nothing.”

It certainly wouldn’t hurt to consider if you’ve actually done something you’re not proud of to inspire that comment from the other person. Taking a personal inventory when you get negative feedback from others is a healthy thing; staying open-minded and willing to evaluate criticism directed at yourself, instead of getting angry and defensive, is a sign of mental health and stability. Because if you are behaving in ways that are unlikable, this generates self-loathing and low self-esteem at some level, and you would benefit from changing your behavior. And so it would be a blessing that someone would tell you they don’t like you, because it gives you the opportunity to self-reflect, to change, and to become a better person.

But after you’ve done a personal inventory, if it seems clear to you that you’ve done nothing wrong or inappropriate, you’re just being who you are, and that’s okay with you, then it behooves you to be cool about any disparaging comments people throw at you. It’s their problem, not yours. You don’t need to get angry, you don’t need to debate the issue in an attempt to correct their misperception of you. You need do nothing.

When you’re walking down the street and a car drives through a puddle, splashing water on you, it’s an assault of sorts, you get wet and dirty; but it washes away, no damage done. The same may be said for emotional “splashes” people send your way. You may get wet and dirty, but it washes away, no damage done.

When we perceive ourselves being attacked in some way, we tend to get and stay angry, depressed, anxious, frightened, etc., long past the purpose of it, long past any therapeutic value it might offer us, at which point it becomes a weapon to victimize others and ourselves.

We reap what we sow.

Keep in mind the Law of Reciprocity: whatever we do to others, we’re doing to ourselves at some core level of our consciousness. When we attack others, on some level we’re attacking and demeaning ourselves. When we judge and condemn others, when we put them in an emotional prison by continually blaming them, resenting them, and finding fault with them, we essentially put ourselves in the same emotional prison, loathing ourselves at a deep, unconscious level despite believing on a conscious level that our actions are appropriate and justified.

Conversely, if we love others, we’re loving and esteeming ourselves. And if we forgive others, we’re forgiving ourselves and releasing ourselves from the same emotional prison we think we’ve put the other person in.

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Most of us tend to procrastinate and put off doing until the last minute a variety of things we know are in our best interests. In some cases, this behavior leads to missed opportunities. In other cases it can have more dire consequences.

For example: When we only start to watch our cholesterol after our third heart attack, there are limits to what we can accomplish. When we only start to work on a plan for prosperity after we’ve lost our job and our savings, and are overloaded with debt, we’re making a normally difficult process next to impossible. When we only start to improve our communication with our partner after divorce has been threatened, we are usually past the point of recovery and repair.

Why should we wait for catastrophic conditions before doing that which we know we must do? The time to make substantial changes is before, not after, we have crippled ourselves, our careers and/or our relationships.

The point is: When we recognize that things need to change, we need to change them. Now, not later. Which means we don’t just give lip service to change. We take action.

We don’t say we’re going to diet and exercise, and then never get around to doing it. We don’t insist we are going to work towards success and prosperity but then continue to follow the same protocols that have failed us in the past. We don’t promise to be more loving and considerate in our relationships and then continue to abuse, act out and behave in other ways that defeat those promises.

We put our money where our mouth is

If we say we want to change, we need to mean it. We need to be highly motivated and never lose sight of those motivating forces. We must clearly see the benefits of changing and clearly see the disadvantages of keeping things as they are.

We must appreciate that there is a powerful force inside of us that is focused on self-sabotage, resistance and failure, which we must vigorously oppose, challenge and defeat, one day at a time, one decision at a time, if we are to overcome our internal drive to maintain the status quo.

We must not let people derail us with their negativity and cynicism. We must not let other people convince us that we’re not the problem. We must let down our defenses, release our resistant, oppositional tendencies. We must identify self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, stop them, and replace them with proactive attitudes and actions that will get us where we want to go.

Every day and in every way, we keep at it. We keep on trucking. If we fall down, we get up, brush ourselves off and begin again, never taking our eyes off the ball, and never veering off our path. As Jimmy Cliff once wrote: “You can get it if you really want. But you must try, try and try. Try and Try. You’ll succeed at last.”

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There are many reasons for going after our dreams:

It’s possible that we might succeed right out of the gate.

It’s possible that we might not succeed initially, but learn from our efforts, hone our skills, and succeed at future attempts.

It’s possible that we will discover that we don’t have the chops, that we’re not good enough to compete in this realm, and then we switch gears, pursue another dream project and realize success in this alternative venue.

Many people have started out seeking fame and fortune in one area, have encountered resistance and repeated failures, only to have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams when they put aside that path and found the right form of expression of their passion.

Certainly, there’s always the disappointing scenario that we pursue our dreams, things don’t work out, we change course, things still don’t work out, and we finally give up.

The important point to realize, should this outcome happen (which is the one possibility that keeps most of us from going after our dreams in the first place), is that shame from rejection and failure will not kill us, that we can and will get over it, and that it’s best to discover if we can pull off our dreams or not, because if we can’t, then it behooves us to accept this, put our energy into counting our blessings, being grateful for what we’ve got, and making the most out of our lives, rather than coexisting with angst and frustration.

Bottom line: In more cases than not, it’s worth it to take our shot and not sit on the sidelines because, oftentimes, the process of going after our dreams yields all sorts of adventures and unique life experiences that make the journey worthwhile, even if we never reach our fantasy destination.

It would serve us well to keep in mind, when we are afraid to pursue our dreams because of our fear of failure, that we all can’t be Rocky Balboa, we all can’t beat Apollo Creed or Clubber Lang. But that’s not what made Rocky great.

What made Rocky Balboa great was that he took his shot, he went the distance. That was his success. Facing his fear and going after his dream in spite of it was his Eye of the Tiger.

Facing our fear and going after our dream in spite of it is our Eye of the Tiger.

Our success is in our doing, whether we win, lose or draw.

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We’ve all done it. We’ve ignored important warning signs, those blinking neon lights in life that tell us to pay attention. And it’s unhealthy. In life, there may be unexpected road blocks, but it suits no one for us to shut our eyes and just plow through. In fact, ignoring the signs can be fatal.

Being healthy mentally is closely tied to being healthy physically, and to keep both body and mind thriving we must pay attention to the warning signs of two dangerous road blocks: mesothelioma and skin neoplasm.

Skin neoplasm, commonly known as skin cancer, negatively affects skin cells. The three types, melanoma and basal and squamous carcinoma, all come with their own warning signs. Be cautious of unusual patches, lesions, and bumps on sun-exposed ares of your skin. If something appears that was not always obvious, see a physician. You can’t afford to ignore it.

Skin neoplasm is often caused by over exposure to the sun’s ultraviolet rays and can also be caused by tobacco. To avoid the dangers of skin neoplasm, be conscious of the amount of sunlight you endure. Wear protective clothing outdoors and don’t shy away from the sunscreen.

Much harder to catch than skin cancer, mesothelioma is a rare cancer that often attacks the lungs, but can be present in other parts of the body as well. It’s caused by the inhalation or consumption of a natural mineral called asbestos, which can be found in the dry wall and insulation of older homes, as well as in some car parts and navy vessels.

Catching mesothelioma can be a tricky feat, generally because the warning signs are subtle. Mesothelioma symptoms include shortness of breath and a heaviness in the chest area, but these signs are often latent for 20-50 years. By then, the cancer has metastasized and is rather difficult to treat. It is important not to ignore the possibility of mesothelioma, especially if you or your loved ones may have been exposed to asbestos.

Keeping your eyes open for these cancers and others can mean the difference between a healthy, happy life and one lived in sickness, regret, and denial. Don’t ignore the warning signs. Take care of yourself.

(Note: Matthew Phillips is a college student and aspiring writer who has a passion for people’s health. He can be contacted at: mattphillips00@gmail.com)

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The mind and the brain are not the same. The brain is part of the body. It is an organ like other organs in the body. It is part of the material world.

The mind is not part of the material world. The mind is not housed in the brain. The mind has no specific location. It is not confined to time or space. It is unlimited in its creative power.

Our body is limited. Our body has no creative power. Our body does our mind’s bidding. It does this when it gets sick, recovers from illnesses, gets old, and dies. All of this happens first in the mind, at an unconscious level.

When our body is sick, it is our mind that has generated the problem, and, therefore, it is our mind we must look to for the solution. In other words, “Only the mind can be sick and only the mind is in need of healing.” This is a quote from “A Course In Miracles,” which presents a thought system I believe in.

The question you’re now asking yourself is: “Where is the proof upon which he bases this belief?”

When some people who are depressed are given a placebo and told it is an antidepressant, their depression goes away, including their loss of appetite, their difficulty sleeping, their impaired attention and concentration, their loss of interest in things they like to do, and their somatic problems as well, such as headaches, stomach aches, muscle tension, and other physical discomforts. How can this be?

When some people who have chronic pain are hypnotized, their pain nerve fibers in their body are still firing like crazy, but there is no perceived pain. How can this be?

When some people use hypnosis while getting root canal without anesthesia, they experience no pain. How can this be?

When some women use hypnosis to undergo C-sections to deliver their babies without anesthesia, they experience no pain. How can this be?

When some people with cancers use guided imagery to visualize cancer cells being gobbled up by an army of white blood cells, their cancers go into remission. How can this be?

When some people focus their mind using biofeedback techniques, they are able to manage their pain, lower their blood pressure, and lower their heart rate. How can this be?

When some people use affirmations and visualizations to mobilize the Law of Attraction, positive outcomes are generated in their physical world. How can this be?

The reason why all these things occur is because everything starts in the mind. The mind is the prime mover.

We create our reality from our thoughts.

Everything in the physical world is an illusion generated by the Collective Mind, including our bodies. Long ago, we hypnotized ourselves into believing that we are bodies and that our bodies can be sick and die. And then we forgot that we did this.

And so, now, we identify with our bodies. And because our bodies are frail, get diseased, get old and die, we embrace fear at the core of our unconsciousness.

From that fear comes every perception we have in the world of scarcity, lack, limitation and separation, and the need for competition and aggression as a means to survive and succeed. And from all of this comes every negative emotion we experience, including depression, anxiety, and anger.

Were we to use our conscious mind to override our negativity by replacing our fear thoughts with thoughts of unconditional love, acceptance, forgiveness, and unity, all the manifestations of our fear would go away, our mind would be restored to sanity, peace and joy, our body would be restored to perfect health, and our world would reflect abundance and prosperity.

Our ego mind, that unconscious part of our mind that houses our fear, is already telling you that this is absurd and that only a naïve fool would endorse a philosophy that love can conquer all the evils in the world.

It is reminding you that nice guys finish last, that no good deed goes unpunished, that survival of the fittest means an eye for an eye, kill or be killed, and that no one can defend themselves with love.

Certainly, as long we believe in bodies, as long as we identify with our ego mind, which is devoted to preserving the idea that bodies are real, and as long as we are unaware that everything we now see is a figment of our fear thoughts, it would be insane to not defend ourselves when we are attacked, and to not take antibiotics when we get sick.

The point is this: We must change the way we think. We must stop being victims of our bodies and realize the power of our minds to create reality.

The first step in this process is to heal our mind by letting go of judgments as best we can, by accepting others as best we can, by letting go of resentments and grievances as best we can, by forgiving others as best we can, by being of service to others as best we can, and by extending compassion and unconditional love to others as best we can.

As we do this, we will see improvements in our lives, in the form of greater happiness, well-being, and material success.

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What if the mind is the place where all illness starts? What if deeply-embedded thoughts in our unconscious mind are the stimulus, and the body generating diseases is the response? The mind gets sick, the body follows suit.

What if to truly get well we must change our mind? What if to truly get well we must change our conception of reality?

What would that entail? What would we change our mind to? In what way would we need to change our conception of reality?

We would have to appreciate that although reality looks like there are billions of individual bodies on the planet, the truth is that there is only One of us, and we are all a part of it, like a drop of water is part of the ocean.

We would have to appreciate that, despite appearances, we are not bodies, that we are Mind, One Mind, generating a collective illusion that we are separate beings.

We are not separate beings. We are One. We are all each other. Consequently, when we attack any body, we are actually attacking the One Mind, which is another way of saying that when we attack others we are actually attacking ourselves.

If we were to accept this reality construct, then one way to heal ourselves is to stop attacking others, physically, verbally, and mentally (with our judgments and resentments), and to extend unconditional compassion, acceptance and forgiveness instead.

Unconditional is the operative concept here. If we do not extend compassion, acceptance and forgiveness unconditionally, we are essentially attempting to heal ourselves with half our Mind tied behind our back.

If we do extend compassion, acceptance and forgiveness unconditionally and consistently, then we will truly reap what we sow, with physical, emotional and spiritual wellness being the end result.

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To a large degree, many of us fail because of our Inner Critic, a part of our mind that is incessantly finding ways to minimize us, invalidate us, deflate us and discourage us.

Our Inner Critic tells us, “You’re not good enough.” “You’re not pretty enough.” “You’re not smart enough.” “You’re unlucky.” “You’re a loser.”

Our Inner Critic bathes us in guilt, shame and self-loathing such that, at an unconscious level, we are forever doubting our capacity to succeed and forever anticipating our failure.

Consequently, the Law of Attraction works with our negative, cynical, pessimistic mindset to generate perpetual failure and disappointment in our lives.

Additionally, our Inner Critic’s loathing of us, which is the source of all the negative messages in our mind about ourselves, gets translated into self-sabotaging behaviors, such as avoidance, procrastination, being late for appointments and engagements, forgetting commitments, making impulsive decisions, overeating, oversleeping, over-medicating, the list goes on and on. The result is setbacks, derailed plans, and failure.

The point is this: If our failure is a result of unconscious, self-sabotaging behaviors, which are a result of a harsh, judgmental Inner Critic that whispers in our ear 24/7 that we are unworthy, then, in order to turn that failure into success, we must whisper back.

We must neutralize our Inner Critic, give it no power, by consistently challenging its voice and replacing it with a voice that encourages instead of discourages, a voice that builds us up rather than puts us down, a voice that reminds us of our strengths rather than our weaknesses.

As we choose to not listen to our Inner Critic’s dark, desperate, catastrophic thoughts, deciding instead to maintain a positive, optimistic, hopeful and grateful attitude, we stop sabotaging ourselves.

What can be done to help speed up this cognitive-behavioral process?

Every morning when we first get up and every evening before going to sleep, we affirm to ourselves three times, with great passion and conviction: “I choose to not attack myself. I give no power to my Inner Critic.”

As we use this simple affirmation at night to program our subconscious mind to neutralize our Inner Critic, and as we use it each morning to re-Mind ourselves to pay attention and make choices that are more likely to lead to positive outcomes and the fulfillment of our dreams, we encounter less resistance, greater cooperation, and more frequent synchronistic opportunities.

We succeed!

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