We all have, deeply embedded in our unconscious mind, a self-loathing part of us, regardless of how much self esteem we have, regardless of how much good we do in this world, and regardless of how proud of ourselves we are for our ethical and compassionate behavior.

That self-loathing, as irrational as it is for most of us who have done very little in the hurting others department, manages to generate guilt and shame which we do not wish to experience consciously because it would be too unpleasant.

So we unconsciously project it outwards onto others and see others as worthy of loathing and worthy of guilt and shame, rather than ourselves. And we feel better about ourselves, at an unconscious level, in the process.

It’s very convenient and emotionally sustaining when we project it onto people who deserve it, so to speak, by their despicable actions. And we don’t think twice about it. They clearly deserve all the judgment and animosity they get directed at them. They clearly deserve to be made to feel guilty and shamed.

But when we project it onto other people who haven’t necessarily done anything terrible to deserve our harsh judgments, with the exception of not treating us the way we wish to be treated or not thinking or behaving the same way we do, the mechanism of discharging internal angst by pointing the fingers at others becomes more obvious, if we are willing to look at it.

So what do we do about this?

Certainly, at the level of our personal relationships where judgments are flying left and right, if we remind ourselves that our judgments are actually a reflection of our own embedded guilt and shame, and if we can see them as loving beings who are confused and have lost their way (regardless of how badly they are behaving towards us), then the best approach is to catch ourselves and stop attacking them with our judgments, because we will, essentially, be healing our projections and healing ourselves in the process.

We can disapprove of their bad behavior. We can encourage they take responsibility and insist on consequences. We can avoid them. We can set boundaries. There are any number of solutions available to us.

The key is to judge the actions, not the actors. The key is to demonize behaviors but not people, because when we demonize others we are demonizing ourselves at a deeply embedded level, reinforcing our guilt, shame and self-loathing.

At the level of people in the world who assault, abuse, maim and murder: again, it is in our best interests to despise the behaviors but to not demonize the people. They are not evil, despite the evil that they do.

They are mentally ill. They are children of God, like all of us, who are severely damaged in their incapacity to love because of the love they never experienced themselves.

Ultimately, when our consciousness can handle this revolutionary concept, it can evolve further to appreciate that everything in this world is an illusion, a bad dream we will one day wake up from, in which case, we don’t even need to hate horrific behavior.

When we wake up from a nightmare, thanking God that all the murder and rape we saw in the nightmare never really happened, we have no need to hate those in our dreams who perpetrated the murder and rape.

When we are enlightened and wake up from this nightmare we call reality, we will also appreciate that everything horrific in this world never happened, and there is no need for hate or for sorrow.

This is certainly an idea that most of us cannot get our mind around. We cannot tolerate this idea nor accept it to any degree because of all the horrible evil and terrible suffering that is obvious all around us and can’t be presumed not to be real.

I can’t argue the point. I have no proof except for my own experiences which are anecdotal and can be easily dismissed by those who wish to do so. Nonetheless, I maintain that everything we see in this world is a projection of our internal thought system.

If we keep love, compassion, acceptance and forgiveness in the forefront of our mind, we will see, to an ever-increasing degree, a world that reflects that, a world of cooperation, harmony, generosity, success and abundance.

If we choose at the core of our consciousness to embrace fear and judgment, then we will continue to see a world that is full of scarcity, lack, limitation, competition, aggression, war, famine, disease and death.

There are only two thoughts, love and fear. And everything we see in this world is a projection of one or the other.

Love or a Call for Love

Everything people do in this world is an expression of love or a call for love.

When a child feels ignored, neglected and unloved because Mommy is spending more time with his little baby brother, and the child acts out, throws a glass against the wall and shatters it, it is not because he is evil or bad.

It is because he wants to get Mommy’s attention, he wants to get Mommy’s love, but he doesn’t know how to ask for it appropriately, so he asks for it in a confused, violent, aggressive way.

It is a call for love, and the best response Mommy can give to her child is to be understanding, compassionate, forgiving and loving, not angry, abrasive and punishing.

As we grow up and become adults, most of us still behave in the same way we did when we were infants. Hungry for love and feeling minimized, ignored, abandoned, unloved and unappreciated, we act out with our loved ones, attacking them in various ways.

Rather than saying, “I’m feeling insecure. I need your attention. I need your love. I need a hug,” we yell, we hit, we break things, we drink and drug too much, we drive our cars into trees.

At the next level are those who do the more horrendous acting out behaviors in their calling out for love, by mutilating and killing themselves or by mutilating and killing others.

It’s all a continuum, a matter of degrees. It’s all a variation of the same theme: love or a call for love, in which case, the response should always be the same: when someone is calling out for love, we do our best to give it to them.

In terms of the people in this world who do horrific things, this doesn’t mean they should not be held responsible for their actions. It doesn’t mean we condone their behaviors. It doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be consequences.

What it does mean is that we should let go of our harsh judgments and rage in the process.

Let’s look at this at a level that can perhaps be better understood and tolerated by our mind: If we need to go to court to resolve a divorce settlement, we don’t need to go in with anger. We can go in with calm and be just as effective, if not more so. We can get what we feel we need and deserve, but without all the aggression, judgment and animosity. We do this for our own healing, for our own peace of mind.

Everything is a choice that starts in the mind. If we choose fear, what we’ll get is fear, anxiety, depression, anger and aggression, within and without, in all its horrific and terrifying forms.

If we choose love, we will see a world transforming within and without. And we will observe miracles happening, because miracles are the natural expression of unconditional love and forgiveness.

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We need to take our time. We need to pay attention. We need to do the research. We need to look before we leap.

The divorce rate is so high and many relationships are so unsatisfying because we don’t do these things. When we meet someone “special” for the first time, there is an infatuation, there is chemistry, there is exhilaration, there are hormones jumping every which way. We feel energized and vitalized, overwhelmed with joy, excitement and sexuality.

When we look into the eyes and face of someone who is as excited about us as we are about them, it makes us feel excited about ourselves. We see our idealized self in the smiling face looking back at us, and all of this contributes to our jumping into bed and jumping into relationships prematurely.

So caught up in the immediate gratification of the moment, we don’t consider the long-term consequences. We don’t take the time to do our due diligence. We don’t take the time to discover the real fabric of the person we have become intimately involved with.

Oftentimes, we see the red flags and warning signs that suggest to us that maybe we shouldn’t go down that road, but because we are so enamored, so exhilarated, so charged up with infatuation, chemistry and lust, and having, perhaps, been lonely for a very long time prior to meeting this person, we look the other way, our common sense and intuition go out the window and we sweep the red flags under the rug.

Eventually, sooner or later, the chickens come home to roost. When the chemistry settles down and the infatuation goes away, we are left with a lot of unanswered questions.

Who are these people? What do they really stand for? Do they really care about us? Do they care more about themselves? Are they loyal and trustworthy companions?

All the questions that should have been asked at the beginning are asked after we have committed a great deal of time, money and energy to the relationship.

THE SOLUTION IS DELAYED GRATIFICATION

Taking the time to see what’s actually going on before making a commitment is the critical component. We tend not to do this because we are afraid to confront those red flags, to challenge our newly-found partners to explain themselves, to define their ideologies, to detail their backgrounds and previous relationships, for fear that they may get defensive or angry, that they may go away, or that they may tell us something that will be so obvious we will not be able to ignore it and it will force us to go away.

Bottom line: it’s best we have the courage to ask these questions before getting involved in a relationship, even if it means our loneliness will linger longer, because it will serve us well in the long run and provide us with the opportunity of finding someone who is worthy of our love and capable of providing us with a stable relationship based on mutual respect and consideration which will sustain us until our end of days.

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Over time, repeatedly hearing negative, judgmental messages from our Inner Critic which put ourselves down, we develop a consistently negative, cynical, and pessimistic attitude about ourselves which gets translated into self-destructive, self-sabotaging behaviors which generate setbacks, rejections, and failures in our lives.

Although neutralizing our Inner Critic is of paramount importance, it is also important that we neutralize the Inner Critic of others which directs negative, judgmental messages to us about ourselves as well.

The Inner Critic of others, which tends to be bitter, jealous, resentful and judgmental, sends us a variety of negative messages in the form of disapproving facial expressions and body language, outright verbal assaults, sarcastic, snide, demeaning comments, passive-aggressive comments, and pessimistic comments in regard to our efforts and aspirations, all of which can have an extremely negative, destructive impact on us if we are either unaware of them or are aware of them but do nothing to neutralize them.

Just as we cannot afford to let our own Inner Critic go unchecked, it is extremely important for our success and well-being that we recognize and counter the negative messages from the Inner Critics of others.

To do this we must be vigilant over the thoughts and actions of others, paying close attention to what they are saying and doing to us.

There are two approaches that are important to consider:

(1) When we recognize criticism and negativity directed to us from others, we must examine the content. If, by some chance, the criticism is legitimate, it behooves us to learn from it and make changes in our lives. This will help us succeed.

If the criticism is baseless, a function of the negativity of others, we must make sure to correct it in our mind, telling ourselves that it is not true and that we need give it no power.

(2) It might be to our benefit to say something to the other person, pointing out the judgmental negativity and/or pessimism directed towards us, and asking them to please avoid repeating such behavior in the future.

Keep in mind, however, that sometimes it’s not necessarily in our best interest to say something to the person, insofar as it could generate denial, defensiveness, anger, and aggression of an extremely abusive nature which could generate more antagonistic, destructive behaviors and possibly severe consequences that we are not prepared to deal with.

Certainly, if we say nothing, it’s not going to be fun to continue to be the recipient of negativity directed at us from others, but if we follow approach number one above and disempower the negativity of others with positive self-talk from our Inner Colleague, it is unlikely that the negativity will reinforce our potential for self-sabotage.

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In our desire to win, to succeed, to prosper, we tend to prioritize competition and the “every man for himself” mentality, and endorse the concept that there are times when it’s necessary to step on other people in order to get ahead, that all is fair in love, war and business as well.

It’s not. If we win at the expense of others, it’s not winning. It’s losing. And only our spiritual shortsightedness prevents us from seeing this. We need to establish consistency between our spiritual and business worlds, not dualities and double standards. How we treat other people should be the measure of our success.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating poverty as some spiritual benchmark. It’s okay to be rich. It’s okay to win and succeed, to have money and power. But we need to maintain our ethical, moral and spiritual values as we’re doing so. We need to remember our obligation to our families, our communities, our societies and our world.

Success and ethics are not mutually exclusive

It is not appropriate to “let them eat cake.” It is not appropriate to have massive excesses of money and resources and not share a generous portion with those who have less than we do. If we are not our brother’s keeper in the sense of watching out for those less fortunate and helping them to better their lives, then we may be rich monetarily but poor in spirit. And maybe, just maybe, that matters.

It is, after all, not a stretch to believe that our world and its financial institutions have decayed to such a state of dysfunction and disrepair because of the failure of our leaders to insist that morals, principles, generosity and fairness be part of the success-in-business equation.

That being the case, it now becomes critical that we rebuild our institutions with the mortar of truth, compassion and generosity, appreciating the fact that perhaps no sustainable success is possible if the foundations of our institutions are fortified by unethical practices, selfishness and greed.

Let each of us rise above the business battlefield and rebuild our country and our world in ways we can be proud of, by refusing to make business and career choices that are ethically and humanistically questionable and don’t take into consideration the effects they will have on our planet and our planetary brothers and sisters.

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Consider this example: Using a hypothetical number, since I am not aware of the statistics involved in car sales, let’s assume that for every ten prospective customers that walk through the showroom door, one will be converted into a sale.

That being the case, a car salesman can expect to get a no from nine people before he closes a deal. Consequently, when he gets one no after another, there is no need for him to get depressed, anxious, or angry. He doesn’t need to take it personally by interpreting it as a failure on his part. He doesn’t need to get discouraged or demoralized. He doesn’t need to perceive it as a setback or an obstacle. He doesn’t need to look at it as the universe giving him a hard time.

He simply needs to remind himself that it’s all part of the plan, that it’s all part of the law of averages, and that every time he gets a no, he should actually be celebrating, because it brings him closer to the statistical number that equates to a yes.

Oftentimes, we get frustrated by things not happening on our timetable. Rather than seeing each no as one step closer to our goal, we interpret the no as a delay holding back our success. This speaks to our desire to control the universe so that it will do our bidding as we think it should and when we think it should.

The problem with this is that we can’t control the universe. People and circumstances that will eventually cooperate with us have their own timetable that we need to accept. Any attempt to manipulate and accelerate the process is oftentimes a mistake in the sense that it can lead us to either burning a bridge that could have been an appropriate path or finding ourselves heading down a path that, in the long run, will prove to be a road to nowhere.

ACCEPTANCE & PATIENCE

It is better to accept that it takes time for people and circumstances to come together in a beneficial way for all concerned and to not try to force outcomes. Sometimes it’s best to accept the ebb and flow of things. Sometimes it’s best to not paddle furiously but rather to row our boat gently down the stream. Sometimes it’s best to let things happen at their own pace and have faith that when things don’t happen the way we think they should, it doesn’t mean that they never will.

Bottom line: We needn’t be afraid of rejection and failed efforts. Take Thomas Edison, for example. Every time the universe said no to one of his attempts to invent the electric light bulb, he saw it as a help rather than a hindrance. He saw it as an opportunity to put aside an ineffectual approach he was taking so that he could redirect his attention to an alternative approach that might yield the success he was looking for. Every failed attempt brought him closer to success by enabling him to eliminate a wrong way so that he could eventually find the right way.

There is a right way for all of us, regardless of what goals we have set for ourselves. But we will not find it if we get derailed by perceived setbacks, obstacles, rejections, delays, and outright failed attempts. Best that we be okay with every no we get and every failed attempt, seeing each as a positive steppingstone to our ultimate success.

Best we stay true to our vision. Best we stay confident and positive. Best we be flexible and stay open to alternative paths so as to modify and adapt our plan when necessary.

Above all else, we don’t give up. We keep on trucking. We remind ourselves that it’s never over till it’s over.

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People want to make the most out of their lives. Duh.

What I find fascinating is the underlying assumption that, in order to make the most out of our lives, we must attempt daring and bold feats of power and passion.

Here’s the point: What if that isn’t true?  What if “making the most out of our lives” isn’t about amassing more experiences which glorify the body and fan the flame of ego and self-satisfaction?

What if our spirit, our consciousness, our soul is immortal, invulnerable and eternal, and that our only purpose for being here is to understand that we are all One, we are all connected, that we must “love ye one another,” that there is nothing else to do, nothing else to amass, nothing else to accomplish? If that’s the case, are we really making the best use of our remaining time here by doing more rather than being more?

A BUCKET LIST IS NICE, PERHAPS A SPIRITUAL BUCKET LIST IS BETTER

I suggest that for every bucket list entry we make of something physical we wish to accomplish, we also include one entry of something spiritual we wish to achieve. So now the question becomes, “What might we put on that list?”

We might choose to engage in behaviors that could awaken us to truths that have been hidden from our consciousness by our drive for material and physical mastery and control. Perhaps:

*  A six month program of daily meditation and/or yoga.

*  A six month program of abstinence from alcohol and drugs.

*  A six month program of vegetarianism or veganism.

*  A six month program of reading spiritual, consciousness-raising materials.

We might choose to engage in behaviors that unite us rather than divide us by finding:

*  Ways to see the good in people despite the negative things they’ve done.

*  Ways to forgive people we’ve refused to forgive.

*  Ways to repair a relationship that has been damaged or broken.

Perhaps it would behoove us to put on the list:

*  Ways to be more of a role model of right action.

*  Ways to be more of an achiever of good works that promote communication, compassion, peace, cooperation, prosperity and well-being for all.

*  Ways to be more of service to others by giving our money, time and energy to the causes and needs of others without any regard for acknowledgment, thanks, compensation or consideration of any kind.

Perhaps each of us, as we compile our bucket list prior to heading off to that Great Big Google in the Sky, should remind ourselves of what Horace Mann once said: “Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.”

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There is no magic pill that will bring us happiness. But that doesn’t mean that the situation is hopeless. The truth is that we have the power to make ourselves happy regardless of what is going on in our lives.

Happiness is a choice. Symbolize it, if you wish, with the image of an electric switch. When the switch is turned on, we’re happy. When the switch is turned off, we’re unhappy. Therefore, the key to happiness is knowing how to flip the switch.

We flip the switch by choosing to see the love and the blessings in our world despite all the fear, pain and suffering that is apparent and oppressive.

We flip the switch by accepting that crying over spilled milk is a complete waste of time and energy that serves no positive purpose, in which case we might as well try to look on the bright side.

If we feel the pressure of people misunderstanding our reactions, we remind ourselves to be less concerned with appearances and more concerned with results.

If we are able to “happy” our way through a nightmare rather than embrace all the horror and suffering that the experience has to offer, who cares what other people think?

Bottom line: A happy, positive attitude, regardless of how many storm clouds are in the sky, is a good way to go through life.

Now here’s the icing on the cake: A happy, positive attitude also increases our odds of healing, survival and success over someone else who allows his fear and negativity to rule his mind and emotions.

Take-home message: Happiness is an inside job. Choose it or lose it.

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We tend to under-appreciate the loved ones in our lives while they’re here.

We tend to take them for granted. We tend to assume they’ll always be here. We don’t express to them nearly enough how much we care for them and how important they are in our lives.

And then, when they’re gone, there is an effusion of love, grief and remorse as well, due to feelings that we didn’t cherish, respect, value and love them more while they were here.

So what can we do about this?

Appreciation and Gratitude

Perhaps we need to start missing our loved ones now before they’re gone, appreciating the void that would be created in our lives if they were abruptly taken from us.

And then we need to express our gratitude for having them in our lives and demonstrate our love for them while they’re still here by maximizing our loving behaviors towards them and minimizing our unloving behaviors.

We need to let go of the petty grievances that we’ve been holding against them. We need to let go of old resentments and hurts.

If we have a tendency to yell, we stop yelling. If we have a tendency to abuse them in other ways, we stop the abuse.

If our tendency is to exaggerate, misrepresent the truth, lie and deny, we stop these behaviors as well.

We stop being inconsiderate, selfish and self-centered.

We listen. We validate. We respect their boundaries.

We recognize those aspects of ourselves we need to change and we work on making those changes.

We try to anticipate problems and offer solutions, without being asked and without needing to get anything in return.

When the inevitable finally does happen and our loved ones are gone, we will still grieve and miss them deeply, but there will be the satisfaction and the peace of mind knowing that while they were here we did everything we could to create and maintain a loving relationship with them and to let them know and feel the extent of our love, respect and devotion to them.

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Obstacles are normal. It is rare, when we are pursuing a goal, that everything is smooth sailing without any resistance whatsoever. Most things we want to achieve in life have built-in obstacles of some sort. Movement towards success usually involves two steps forward, one step back. Just because we hit a snag doesn’t mean that the game is over.

It’s like getting a flat tire. We’re driving on the road. We’re heading towards our destination. We want to get there at a certain time. And then we get a flat tire and now it takes time, money, and energy that we didn’t want to expend. We tend to get depressed, anxious and irritated. But truth be told: Eventually the tire gets fixed. We get back in the car. We get back on the road. And we’re on our way, once again, towards our destination.

We are our own worst enemy when we allow our fear thoughts to derail and defeat us. Obstacles are not dead ends. We can go around obstacles. We can overcome obstacles. We can use obstacles to our advantage. When one door closes, another door opens. Every failure, every setback, has the seeds of success within it. It’s all how you look at it.

It’s a mistake to look at one moment in time and define our future by that moment. If we look at barren, fruitless trees in the wintertime, define trees as perpetually barren and fruitless, and then cut them down for firewood, we have misinterpreted reality, we have inappropriately defined the future, we have reacted to our misinterpretation, and we have defeated ourselves.

Success is in the eye of the beholder.

There is always a bigger picture. It always behooves us to step back and look at the forest from the trees. Oftentimes, what seems to be bad luck, later on down the road appears to have been good luck. And vice versa.

For example: Let’s say we lose our job. We decide that’s bad luck. We send out resumes to find another job. A week later, we get an offer for a new job, with more money, closer to home, with fewer hours, greater responsibility, and room for advancement. We decide that’s good luck.

So was losing our job bad luck or good luck? The point is we can’t say. It’s a mistake to judge anything on the face of it at the moment that it’s happening. We really don’t know what the future has in store for us. Rather than judge something as good or bad, it’s better to just decide that it is what it is, and that we’ll deal with it, and move forward as best we can.

That being said, the next time we hit a wall, when we feel ourselves being overwhelmed with anxiety, depression, frustration, impatience, anger, or any other emotion, we don’t overreact. We don’t freak out. We STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN.

We stop and get calm. We don’t make a soap opera out of our lives.

We look at the data quietly and objectively. We ask ourselves what’s the evidence that, because an obstacle has appeared, it means we’re going to fail, that our life is not going to go where we want it to go?

And then we listen. We listen for the answer from our higher self which knows the truth, that when an obstacle appears in our path, it says nothing about whether or not we will succeed in the long run.

We stop, look, and listen. And then we take appropriate action, continuing on our path towards our goals, doing the best we can to make them happen.

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Forgiving others is a compassionate thing to do. We know this. Nonetheless, oftentimes, we don’t do it. We want those who hurt us to suffer for what they did.

By withholding forgiveness we think we are punishing them, we think we are keeping them stuck in a prison of guilt and shame. But the fact is we’re just punishing ourselves in the process.

We’re prolonging our own suffering. We’re withholding from ourselves our own peace of mind. We’re keeping ourselves emotionally tormented. We’re keeping the albatross around our own neck. We are fanning the flame of our own discontentment and emotional suffering.

We’re, essentially, keeping ourselves locked in an emotional prison cell that is now of our own making. We are now victimizing ourselves long after having been victimized by our offenders.

The Power of Forgiveness

When we forgive others we free ourselves of our anger, our judgments, our grievances, our resentments, and our bitterness, all of which interfere with our present moment joy and inner peace.

When we refuse to forgive others, we relegate ourselves to living in the past and never being in the present moment, in the Eternal Now, where all the good things in life happen.

Consequently, it is always in our own best interests to forgive.

Everyone. No exceptions.

Forgiveness decreases our anger, our depression, our stress and our anxiety. We sleep better. We relate to others better. Our general attitude is more positive, optimistic, and joyful.

All of this contributes to our physical as well as emotional well-being, and maximizes our potential to attract people, places and circumstances into our lives which will propel us towards our dreams and our goals.

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