Many of us, as adults, do all sorts of things to gain acceptance, approval and love from our parents and other loved ones. In many cases, our efforts go unnoticed or unrewarded. No matter what we do, it’s not good enough. No matter what we do, we receive criticism and harsh judgment. No matter what we do, we don’t get the same attention and consideration that is shown to others.

The end result is our feeling bad about ourselves. We feel unloved and unlovable. We feel defective and inadequate. We feel rejected and abandoned. It’s very painful.

Despite this pain that we cause ourselves by repeatedly putting ourselves in these no-win situations, hoping against hope that somehow something will change, we continue the love-seeking and approval-seeking behaviors that get us nowhere.

When we try to communicate our needs and generate a dialogue in an attempt to learn if there’s something we’re doing that’s getting in the way or pushing them away, these efforts fall on deaf ears. We don’t get honest answers. We are left feeling confused, hurt and angry.

And still we seek their love and believe there’s an emptiness inside of us that only their love can fill.

Truth be told, we will never feel whole if we are waiting for approval and love from others. We must learn to love ourselves despite how others perceive us and treat us.

One way to begin the process of loving ourselves is to stop victimizing ourselves and beating ourselves up by repeatedly putting ourselves in situations where we get rejected and hurt.

If we have made efforts to break through whatever walls have been put up, and these efforts continue to be ignored, unappreciated, and invalidated, at some point we need to stop making these efforts and accept the fact that we’re most likely never going to get the love and approval we desire.

At some point  we need to accept the fact that we can’t squeeze blood from a stone. At some point we need to appreciate that it’s okay to want love from others but not to need it, and that we shouldn’t jump through hoops in attempts to get it.

At some point we need to respect ourselves, validate ourselves, nurture ourselves and love ourselves by discontinuing these desperate attempts to achieve the impossible.

Instead, we mourn the relationships that haven’t lived up to the potentials we hoped for. We feel sad that we don’t have the love that we would like from those relationships. But we don’t minimize ourselves anymore. We don’t put ourselves in situations that will lead to us feeling neglected and rejected. We stop trying to push the river where it doesn’t want to go.

We accept the relationships as they are, with their limitations. We release any anger and resentments we are harboring. We feel good about ourselves for taking care of ourselves, for not living in denial, for not doing the same things and expecting different results. And we look elsewhere for acceptance and love if that is what we desire.

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Although it is normal to feel blue occasionally, as a consequence of the trials and tribulations of our lives, when the blues don’t go away and start affecting how we feel about ourselves and how we transact in the world, it behooves us to consider the possibility that we may be becoming clinically depressed.

If this is the case, it’s best that we seek help sooner rather than later because the longer we wait, the more debilitating the depression can become, in terms of disrupting all aspects of our lives, including our health, livelihood and relationships. Additionally, the longer we wait, the harder it is to treat.

The first step in dealing with depression is to recognize its signs and symptoms. In the next few minutes, you will learn:

• the emotional and physical symptoms of depression;
• how a depressed person interacts with others around them;
• the various types of suicidal ideation, any one of which needs to be taken seriously.

To listen to the audio, please click on the player below:

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Much of the time, when partners are locked in an argument, at least one of them isn’t listening to the other person and repeatedly interrupts them. That partner is not interested in considering other perspectives. It’s not about trying to be open-minded and consider the possibility that there might be another way to look at the problem. It’s not about trying to find common ground. It’s all about being right and making the other person wrong.

Let’s say we are the partner doing the interrupting. Here’s how it works: As soon as the first few words are uttered, we interrupt our partner and respond with our answer. We assume we know exactly what they’re going to say when we interrupt them and that we don’t need to waste time hearing explanations that continue to defend and attempt to justify their flawed positions.

The reason why we assume we know exactly what they’re going to say before they say it actually has nothing to do with what they’re going to say. It doesn’t really matter to us if our assumptions are correct. All we really want is an excuse that justifies our interrupting them. Assuming we know what they’re going to say beforehand fits the bill.

We believe that wanting to “cut to the chase” gives us license to interrupt them, to not let them finish their point and to steamroll our point right back at them. Truth be told, it’s not really cutting to the chase that we’re after if getting to the truth faster and getting to a resolution faster is its definition.

For us, cutting to the chase means we get to make our point sooner, which involves making it clear to our partner that they are wrong and we are right, that they have injured us, we have not injured them, and that they owe us an apology, we don’t owe them one.

This approach will get us nowhere. It behooves us to listen and to not interrupt. It behooves us to be receptive to alternative viewpoints, to be open-minded, and to not make premature decisions prior to collecting and assessing pertinent information.

If we do this, it will engender trust and increase the potential for effective communication to thrive, for individual needs to be addressed, for compromise and common ground to be established, and for a satisfying, successful relationship with our partner to sustain itself.

Even when, amidst an argument, we have no intention of changing our position, it is still a wise choice to listen and not to interrupt. Here’s what we do: When our partner has finished talking, we validate that we’ve heard them and that we understand and appreciate where they’re coming from. After that, however, we counterpoint by reiterating our position and why it hasn’t changed. By taking this approach of listening and responding with validation and respect, communication will improve. Tension in the relationship will subside. Agreeing to disagree can work.

Ultimately, most relationships will not thrive if they’re all about one partner always needing to be right and always needing to get their way and their needs met at the expense of the other partner’s joy and dignity. Most successful personal relationships tend to thrive on effective communication, mutual respect, moderation, cooperation, concession and compromise.

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In the classic science fiction novel, Dune, by Frank Herbert, the point is made that “Fear is the mind killer.” President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in his 1933 Inaugural Address, amidst the nation’s Great Depression, reminded us that “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” A Course In Miracles, a contemporary, spiritual, self-realization text, tells us that fear is an illusion and that “Perfect love casts out fear.”

There is no question that fear is a predominant force in our lives. We victimize ourselves with our fear thoughts, and the end result is a life less fulfilling than it could be.

If we can learn to release our fear and give it no power to disturb us, we can maximize our potentials for health, happiness, satisfying relationships and self-actualization in all other areas of our lives.

So the question is: How do we do this?  In her book, Fearless, psychologist, speaker and relationship expert Brenda Shoshanna provides us with the answer.

Fearless

Fearless, a blueprint for neutralizing our fear in order to get the life that we want, is a compilation of psychological and spiritual wisdom. It is an amalgam of aphorisms, anecdotes, and exercises, all designed to help us release our fear, empower ourselves, and change the reality of our lives in the process.

Part 1: The Seven Principles of Peace of Mind, details: (1) The Courage To Be Who You Are; (2) Letting Go of Attachments and Grasping; (3) Recognizing the Voices Within; (4) Finding A Safe Harbor; (5) Blessing Others: Deeds of Love; (6) Letting Go of Control and Domination; and (7) Discovering Your Perfect Nature: Becoming A Friend.

Part 2: Becoming Whole, Finding The Precious Jewel, provides additional wisdom and tools for discovering our authentic self and mastering our world rather than being victimized by it.

Part 3: Workshop On Dissolving Fear, offers additional exercises related to each of the Seven Principles of Peace of Mind and Becoming Whole, Finding The Precious Jewel.

In these turbulent times there are many reasons for us to be stressed, depressed, anxious and fearful, but that doesn’t mean we need be paralyzed and immobilized because of them.

In order to avoid this fate, we need good tools. We need books like Fearless that are wise, well thought out and well presented, which can assist us in effectively navigating our lives.

If we want our lives to be a fearless, joyful journey, we need to love more and fear less. Dr. Shoshanna’s book, Fearless, can help us do this.

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Many of us, when confronted with setbacks on our path towards success, are affected by them in a negative way. We tend to get depressed, discouraged and demoralized, perceiving the setback as an indicator that our product is flawed and our endgame will be failure.

Allowing the setback to fuel our anxiety, fear and self-doubt, we become less motivated, less proactive and less likely to go the distance. This is a critical mistake. If our goal is success, we cannot afford to let setbacks influence us to lose our optimism, our passion, our commitment and our focus.

On the contrary, the setback is something that we can use to our benefit, to increase our resolve, to make our product or service better, and to bring us closer to success than we ever might have gotten had we not faced the setback in the first place.

How do we do this?

The Secret To Success

Instead of allowing ourselves to become depressed and defeated, we remind ourselves that, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” And then we mobilize ourselves to seek advice and guidance from our mentors, to expand our network, to push harder and stronger, and to leave no stone unturned.

We use the setback to renew our commitment to success and to inspire us to be more resourceful, more inventive, more creative, more effective and more efficient.

We use the setback to review our product and our business plan. If we discover a mistake that we made, we correct the mistake and press forward. If we discover an insufficiency that hadn’t occurred to us before, we look at the situation from other perspectives, we think outside of the box, and we brainstorm solutions that are unique and innovative.

We use the setback to re-format and/or polish our presentation, and to tighten our sales pitch until it clearly reflects benefits and advantages over other products and services.

Above all else, we use the setback to remind ourselves of the many people who, despite having had setbacks, losses, and failures, eventually succeeded, many beyond their wildest expectations. And we remind ourselves that the reason they succeeded is because they didn’t give up. They didn’t lose faith in themselves or their vision.

Bottom line: When confronted with a setback, we don’t give it the power to derail us. We use it to remind ourselves that we are worthy, we are good enough, we deserve success and prosperity, and that we will get it if we persist and persevere.

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